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Believe it or not, there are people in this world whose lives are such Chernobyls of disappointment that they are forced to depend on self-help books to provide them with knowledge on every single facet of life. From not being a douche bag to learning how to be able to mow your grass without a paranoid fear of gripping death not surrounding you in the wide open spaces, if there is something that makes your life a wreck, there is probably a book written to teach how to learn, love, and laugh. Here are some of the more prominent titles featured on the premier web site for learning how to help yourself before people in white coats have to help you for you.
If you're anything like me, you get sick of miserable people coming to you every day with the sole intention of saying something negative just to rain on your parade. Well, fear not, because Michelle Beaudry has written a book on exactly who these people are and what categorizes them. Until now I thought anyone with a negative thought on anything was simply stating an opinion, but apparently all of these people behave in locust-like communal behavior and exist only to destroy my crops of happiness. Fortunately Ms. Beaudry has given these people the title of "Slammers" because of their incredible ability to wreak total havoc upon stacks of unsuspecting pogs and people alike. Miss Beaudry's book is not all bumblebees and talking flowers though, as she tells of how the joining of two "Slammers" creates a "Slam Club" in an unholy combination that could only come from uterus of Satan. These "Slam Clubs" can range from only two to potentially hundreds of people and can encompass everything from that time my friends and I laughed at a fat kid for falling in a puddle to the time everyone called Hitler a jerk for burning all those Jews and homosexuals.
Random Slammerz Conversation
Guy #1: Man, that American Idol show totally blows
Guy #2: I agree. What bullshit.
Guy #3: Don't you guys think you're being total slammers here?
(Guy #1 and Guy #2 proceed to pummel Guy #3 and stuff him in a locker)
Guy #1 and Guy #2: Fag. |
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Agoraphobia is an illness that I can safely say is not to be taken lightly due to my own personal struggles with it, but much like a wheelchair-bound kid in an inspirational Hallmark movie who only wants to grow up to wrestle for Jesus, I have overcome my demons. While suffering from my affliction I found myself constantly building strange tunnels as additions to my house just to never have to deal with the panic of being outside. It all seemed well and good, but once I created one that spanned the mile from my house to the store, my neighbors felt it was time to jump and just say stop. If Mr. Donald F. Nesto's book can help keep others from suffering from the terrors of not standing in a broom closet, I support it to the extreme fullest. |
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Growing older is a disease that has plagued mankind since children realized that being a Toys'R'Us kid for all time is as impossible as getting the song out of one's head once it has sung its siren's song. Thank goodness professionals such as Dr. Robert T. Lewis are here to inform us that we are all older today than we were yesterday or last year or when we were kids, because getting my age confused and having tendencies to drool strained peas all over my bib while needing my diaper changed causes some serious problems with making new friends. Whether this means I think I'm 1 or 100 still remains to be seen. He also adds that growing older can bring on new challenges and rewards not available to the young, which I guess means I can one day look forward to having that World's Greatest Grandpa mug that I always wanted from the tender age of three. Apparently the program this man went through to become a doctor consists of roughly 58 hours of classes on how to state the obvious and 2 on how to scribble in Latin, but it certainly terrifies me that this is all it takes. Can you imagine being hauled into the hospital one day with a gruesome compound fracture and having your doctor say, "gee son, that certainly looks painful." |
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Going out of your mind has plagued many a devout follower of Cthulu for many years, but fortunately these two people are here to shed some light on how to empower yourself with New Thought Christianity. Until I began writing this I had never heard of New Thought Christianity, so after a quick search online I came across what seemed to be a fairly decent description of it. I got about halfway through the second paragraph and found the phrase "The Christ in me salutes the Christ in you" and was unable to continue because tears of laughter make it very hard to read. The book itself only seems mildly phenomenally stupid, but it's the pictures of the authors on the cover that would cause me to never purchase it unless someday I find myself in need of something to nail to a post to scare off crows. Virginia Foster, a woman whose name looks suspiciously like Foster Vagina when turned around, and Arthur Hammons collaborated to bring us this blend of psychology and Christianity, two forces that belong together as much as Bob Barker and an all-girl Catholic school. |
Shared Intimacies interviewed 120 women on a wide range of topics including sex and pregnancy, gourmet lovemaking, and how to make grilled cheese sammiches while 'making grilled cheese sammiches', wink wink nudge nudge, for the soccer mom on the run just to make this book. The authors then returned with the knowledge of the ages as they published a book to help women better understand that even respectable women of the world have a little girl gone wild inside waiting to go crazy for $19.99 plus shipping and handling.
Dating Tip: Guys, chicks never dig it when you ask them to hop on board the beef bus and ride it all the way home. |
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I totally understand that this company's entire theme is based around calling its readers idiots, but you're not going to seriously call me a moron and then offer me a pot of golden advice on how to get along with people who call me names. That would be like your ice cream man telling you you're fat before selling you an ice cream cone or your lesbian lover calling you a carpet muncher before diving down below. I am not quite sure if this is their way of teaching by example or teaching by being complete jerks, but either way they would be much better off by calling it The Complete Idiots Guide to Not Crying When We Call You a Complete Idiot, Complete Idiot. This book may be very useful once you get past the bad title; I'll never know. What I do know is that if anyone ever approaches me and tells me they read The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Getting Along With Difficult People to learn how to do so, that will create a whole new realm of problems between us that will more than likely end with a restraining order, the best night of passion ever, or both if I'm really lucky. |
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