Intro

He's everything I always knew he'd be and so much more.

An Important Lesson

Yeah, but actually teaching them to use a gun helps too, dicks.

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Henchmen, take note of this. The best way to induce mass fear among the righteous is by use of their moral compass. Simply embed a magnet of fear within the notion of safety for the enemy's youth and the rousing battlecry of "save the children" will spark forth from the ordinarily silent and worthless. Add to this logic a dose of the Disney magic, a gross distortion of reality by breaking largely complicated matters into simplistic episodes of rights, wrongs, and thoughtfully disguised, *giggle*, penises, to create a video that begins as any video should - with the stereotypical Disney narrator discussing the beginnings of Nazi control over a child. This may not sound horrible, but imagine the guy who narrated Robin Hood absent-mindedly pondering on how a child becomes a Nazi death machine. You, of course, get to join on this ride, so please assemble and put on the special shades enclosed with this article. This is Education for Death. (Wiki)

Intro: Germanize Your Youth! Enter Hans

The video opens with a scene depicting two parents standing in an enormous moon base of a room. A shadowy figure stands at the back of this colossal room, probably the final boss of whatever rogue ops commando jungle recon mission America is planning. Two people present their documents showing their distinct Aryan lineage and ask permission to name their child Hans. What happens next I can only describe as "the shadowy podium figure hands them a hereditary passport with twelve empty spots to suggest in a wink wink nudge nudge sailor kind of way to have lots of kids." That's kind of direct, even for the head of a branch of a sinister organization that burned babies. And, I'm not saying I'd go all panda and be impotent, but it would be hard to fuck knowing the Big Brother eyes of this creepy guy are watching me to make sure I keep my fine white wife inseminated nightly every 9 months, give or take. They want to name their child Hans, so after consulting the chart of allowed names on the side of the courthouse, they see it is allowed along wither other fine Ghostbusting names like Winston.

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Part One: Germanize Your Youth! Extensive Battle Hitler

Kindergarten, and Hans is learning the tales of the new order. Sleeping Beauty is our given example. The wicked witch is democracy, and she spends the first few seconds of her intro cackling with the madness of the right to vote. Fortunately Hitler, bearing the handlebar moustache of awakening +2 to sleeping princesses, vanquishes democracy and brushes his scruffy lip across Sleeping Beauty's face. Sleeping Beauty is played by Germany, and had to slim down an Austria and France to be the right size for the role. After some zany heiling back and forth, Hitler carries the humongous nation woman to the back of the horse. Atfer much heavy pushing, God finally throws down a lightning bolt, to help them get up. Uh…? The narrator tells us that the moral of the story is Hitler got Germany up and riding again, but really all we now know is that Hitler banged a fat chick.

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Part Two: Germanize Your Youth! Pointless Display of Sick

Hans gets sick, and as such gives Hitler's random sick child search division excuse to kick open his family's door and yell about it. Children who get sick are often taken away and never heard from again. It's all irrelevant enough to not bear mention because Hans gets better, so I can only assume the director wanted to let us know that there was some scary alternate universe to this story but he just didn't feel like going there. Taking a sidetrack to call your subject a dick when your entire film is about how he's a dick isn't really necessary, in fact, it's hard to do this without at least a little self-realization involving the sudden wrinkly sproutage around your chin and the sudden long shaft that once was your neck. The only highlight of the segment is the use of word "mollycoddling." That gets something, I suppose.

Part Three: Germanize Your Youth! Fox! Eat! ATTACK!

Hans goes back to school to learn more stupid fables. This one is the classic tale of a fat man drawing a magical animated chalk fox chasing an animated chalk rabbit. The rabbit runs to the edge of the board and, finding him self out of green chalkboard space, gets the hell eaten out of him. When asked about this, Hans can only feel saddened by the death of the poor rabbit. This makes his instructor turn flaming red in a comical fashion as he screams, sputters, calls Hans an idiot, and sends him to the corner. This may seem cruel and unusual, but that’s only because you think you’re so special with your freedom on display for the world to see, ass. All the other kids chime in screaming about how the rabbit was stupid and deserved to die. It's hard to disagree too. As most sidewalk art has taught me, anything so elaborate that can be destroyed by a rainy afternoon deserves to be destroyed. That's just the regular not magic version too. The instructor asks Hans what he learned and Hans responds that he now hates that rabbit.

Download Fox Eat ATTACK (Danger Walk Among You)

Part Four: Germanize Your Youth! Now Death is Mobile

It could be a Nazi death march, but most likely it's just a bunch of rivets going to a Skinny Puppy show.

Hans is now grown, and his Education for Death is almost complete. We are then confronted with a crappy parallel universe that looks straight from every stupid X-Men time traveling infinite crisis on Paradox X. The world is burning through German strength. Hans is now ready for his higher education. Having mastered bunny and fox concepts he moves to his college degree of burning Voltaire books. Now he’s a good Nazi, and as the world around him is enveloped in flames, he heils and marches, marches and heils. As the books burn, we see the Holy Bible replaced by Mein Kampf, Germany’s Number One Best Seller! Crucifixion scenes are replaced by enormous Jesus-sized swords, and stained glass windows are mostly just broken. The countryside is burning and everything is the landscape razed under the Germmm..Mordor regime, and Hans and several thousand just like him are marching forward, good Nazis all. “He sees nothing but what the party wants to see,” and he gets a red soccer card over his mouth for it. “He says nothing but what the party wants him to say,” and he gets an iron face mask. “He does nothing but what the party wants him to do,” and even though this covers him in shackles he keeps stepping forward, “trampling on the rights of others.” But ultimately the joke is on them, because all their heiling and marching does nothing, as proven by scientists, against bullets, and through this superior firepower we turned them all into crosses. Just like real life.

Download Now Death is Mobile (Dancer of the Walking Fly)

Download Education for Death (the whole damn bitch)