From the mind of Captain Incredible, renowned author of the famed "Dear Internet, I'm an Emotional Idiot" and accredited expert in the field of Anti-Zombie preparation comes an inspired article about the quickly spreading Internet phenomenon of seedy, near illegal world of celebrity sex tapes. Delving deeply into the dark caverns of technological and cinematic masturbatory deviances, Captain explores the sociological relevance and importance of several of the more recent illicit tapes to have been released. With nuances reminiscent of Mark Twain's often-fabled wit and sarcasm, C. Incredible jocularly reviews the inherent sexual magnetism of each piece of voyeuristic celluloid evidence. Withholding not even a modicum of explicitness, Incredible delivers this year’s most fascinating and transfixing insights into the world of carnal desires that are fueled by Internet celebrity sex tapes.

Gena Lee Nolin Sex Tape
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Career Highlights
I'll admit that prior to writing this I knew absolutely nothing of Gena Lee Nolin's career except that I spent most of my early teens watching her rescue people who couldn't swim but went into the ocean anyway on Baywatch. According to my knowledge center / time travelling companion Compy the Talking Computer, Gena Lee went from winning the title of "Ms. Las Vegas" to later being crowned "Ms. Barbizon USA," which means she is officially winner of the world's silliest named beauty contest. Gena spent the next few years using her God given talent of waving at cars and toasters to help her with a run on The Price is Right before heading off to Baywatch.

Sexiness
Sex tapes are so much better when the guys shut the fuck up and have sex. But unfortunately shoving a camera at your girlfriend will transform you into Geraldo Rivera detailing everything you want to do to her vagina. Reporting live from the trenches of Nolin's labial folds comes Greg Fahlman with phrases like "Take that bra off for daddy" and "Tell me what you're going to do to my body." This video goes on like this for 17 minutes as Fahlman narrates his sexual experience as though he is clumsily coaching himself through his first Little League game.

Eve Sex Tape
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Career Highlights
Black women in the music industry have three options. Rappers have to find new and creative ways to describe their vaginas and how they want enormous, veined tree trunks inserted into them. R&B princesses get to falsetto through how their boyfriends are cheaters or got shot. The rest get shoveled into the gospel discount bin in hopes that some plucky young thing centuries from now will pick one up to help with the writing of a paper comparing God's decline in music with the rise of booty dancing. Somewhere along the way Eve started hanging out with Gwen Stefani, and since then Stefani has made millions talking about bananas while Eve has been relegated to dancing around dressed like a pirate in her videos.

Sexiness
30 seconds of a chick with a dildo doesn't count as a sex tape; it's just the first time you ever had sex without the nervous shuffling and head scratching afterwards. This means someone decided watching Eve stick something into her grainy crotch would make millions, and that person is a mad genius compared to people who paid to see it.

Chyna Sex Tape
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Career Highlights
Chyna's life story is just one big tombstone piledriver delivered to the face of adversity. She's since gone on to deliver a vicious crotch shot to the concept of gender, and when we last saw our heroine in the ring she gave her career a chair to the head for the 1-2-3. Chyna spent the first chunk of her career earning a reputation as The Ninth Wonder of the World where she nightly perpetrated assaults on various testicles with a patented little maneuver she liked to call punch. Now, I'm not about to call a woman who is skilled in the ancient zodiac fighting style of powerbomb ugly, but I think modern science sent a smug 'as a matter of fact we CAN do anything' to the rest of us when several reconstructive face surgeries and breast augmentations transformed Joanie Laurer into something presentable enough to pass Playboy's vagina-bearing standards for a photoshoot. Since then, Chyna has gone to join a season of The Surreal Life, but unfortunatly her role was overshadowed by Da Brat's ritualistic reminders that everyone on the show is a has been. Now, I'm not about to call a woman who is skilled in the ancient zodiac gunslinging ways of the street a has been, but we're talking about Da Brat, a woman whose name screams of such 90's 'tude that you expect to see her posing in front of a graffitied wall with two fingers thrust to the sky as if to tell us that everything is indeed all good in the motherfucking hood.

Sexiness
If I wanted to see something this horrifically sexy I'd pay a someone to put on a gorilla suit and rollerskate after vagrants with a banana held to his crotch. As a matter of fact, if I can ever get the funding I plan on remaking this sex tape as a disco musical. Playing the part of Chyna will be Mickey Rourke and Sean Waltman will be a discarded mop with a drawn on squiggle face. Every shot featuring her enormous clit dong will cue the sound effect of a tugboat horn and it will shoot steam.

Fred Durst Sex Tape
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Career Highlights
On being hacked: "making yourself seem believable to thousands of people through text is nothing genius to figure out." In August of 2002 a local college-aimed handout newspaper was forming. They being eager to find writers and I being eager to have some things published, well, it was perfect harmony. So I was charged with the task of writing the big story marking the anniversary of 9/11. I just wanted to editorialize for 10 paragraphs on how the world had turned into a double shot of 90 proof retard, but the editor was hearing none of that. What I ended up writing was the most painfully forced patriotism ever mustered, and it was like every word I wrote was being smashed out of my brain by the business end of Toby Keith's guitar. Still, people believed it, so I guess the moral of this story is that if I can convince people I'm concerned with anything in Afghanistan's political system other than how we should have officially renamed it Moon Jr., Fred Durst can continue to make people believe he's not a douche blockage.

Sexiness
Masturbation is a primarily male dominated market. So far during the writing of this I have managed to secure at least 3 more shares in this lucrative business. I was hoping to sell some of these on the Internet to make some of the money back that I spent on the bottle of lotion and approximate half of a quarter pounder I've consumed during this, but unfortunately online auction sites have some sort of stupid policy preventing me from selling "sweaty Internet jizz" on their services. I guess this means females just aren't as interested in purchasing sex on the Internet, and gay men are perfectly capable of finding a prostate to milk whenever the time and mood is right. Neither category really wants to see Fred Durst having sex, so you're left with an Internet novelty that should earn a place on a dusty shelf with your pet rock collection and Pez dispensers. And just like snooty collectors, this video lets me look at Fred Durst and laughingly say, "Jesus, that's all you got man?" Thanks for the memories, Fred.

Many thanks to JmanX who wrote the preface to this article while I was battling evils untold in a land of magic and mystery. Also, check out Porn and Prizes to buy porn and register to win your very own flashlight-shaped humping device.