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Miss Hip

In A Sentence:

If you think you've already seen this mugshot plastered all over every Greasy Joe's Discount Coffee and Funny Pictures Web site, you're not alone.

Analysis:

On August 17th I received a very important comment regarding my ongoing struggles with the very lazy muse that is Cortney. Apparently that bombshell of gay was about to be dropped on the Internet's only social critic that everyone has come to describe as huggadorable. I was shocked. I was about to be attacked with... with gay! What terrors would await from this bombshell of gay that was coming for me? I spent many hours dodging the evil explosives and sometimes eggs and other debris thrown by the nefarious Dr. Robotnik, but would all my training as a sass-talking hedgehog with a need for speed be enough to get me out of this one? I quickly got on the phone with my Allstate agent to make sure I was in good hands and to see if my insurance would cover against gay, but he seemed really uncomfortable with the topic when I started talking about homosexuals possibly nesting in my walls and laying eggs. I don't think he fully understood the situation so I began repeating myself slower and louder when I said, "I don't think you understand! Someone is threatening to be ver-eee ver-eee gaaaay at me!" My insurance rendered useless, I figured it was time to face the beast myself and see what terrors awaited me behind curtain number 1, so with fear in my heart I clicked whatever point in the distance I thought Miss Hip is looking at in his picture.

Miss Hip's profile is the visual representation of every Mindless Self-Indulgence song looped over each other all at once to create a massive screeching of unintelligible bleeps and bonks. It has that mixed bright pink and neon green font on a black background look that makes her every word appear to be written in some of that way rad sidewalk chalk that was so popular in the 90's. For an art project in high school I used some of that stuff on black construction paper and drew this way boss neon blue cow skull that I one day plan on hanging over my clock so when people want to know what time it is, they'll know that no matter what the clock says, it's always time for steak.

Immediately after Miss Hip's profile loaded, I noticed a letter at the top saying "Bitch Hog Drama" and then it had my name off to side in parentheses to make sure that I really knew the Christmas present was for me. A Christmas present...of gay! What met my eyes was shocking! Someone took the entire idea I had for this section, ripped it off ten ways to Texas, and then populated the comments section with people who were full of inspiring commentary about how I am a loser for making fun of others on the Internet! One of them even provided a rib-tickling photo caption of me asking where I put my brain, but then I remembered I shoved it up my ass. What the author doesn't know is that when I remembered this, a light bulb appeared over my head, and I then crammed the light bulb in my asshole as well. I guess the joke's on her huh guys?

Miss Hip informs me once again that he is a bombshell of homosexuality and he is now very much involved, and I quickly pondered calling Homeland Security to see if a gay person on myspace threatening me with being involved on myspace counts as an act of terrorism, but I think they're still mad at me from the last time I called and asked if they could handle the fat people I upset who were now "very much involved" in something or other. Miss Hip also informs me that just because I look like a tool doesn't give me the right to act like one. And at this point I realized Miss Hip isn't really the antagonist in this story. The real driving force behind it is the insane amount of PCP consumed that inspired someone to write it - someone who is obviously very much not a tool based on the very honest and sincere words and not at all the image-driven pseudo-pomp that comes with flapping your arms at the world in a pink wig and yelling "GAY GAY GAY GAY GAY!" As far as Miss Hip's accurate and well-written summary of me goes, allow me to express it best in something from his own culture..