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Cortney the Lazy Muse

In A Sentence:

The lone warrior facing off against !ncredimania.

Analysis:

The idea for the entire 15 Minutes section basically stemmed from an idea I had in June where I divided the women of myspace into the various social castes they try to fill. I then took the various styles the particularly inept men of myspace men use to talk to them and tried them out on various women from each stereotype. These women include your angsty chicks, the emo clique, the everpresent cancer of goths, Miss Friendsalot, etc. The mating calls were broken down as I Share Your Interests, Sir Buffingham, Herr Crude, Depresso Expresso, and Brain0. The results of the experiment were lackluster at best as I got nothing but responses from people who either took me too seriously or apparently not seriously enough. Well, except for the women with 100,000 friends anyway. Apparently none of them were available for reply because the carpal tunnel they've developed from repeated pushing of the "accept friend" and "join group" buttons has long since left their wrists withered pieces of mint.

Enter Cortney - a woman with a hatred of people publicly speaking to her on a site that is generally used as a public forum. But Cortney's not just your average myspace bimbo. Cortney strapped on her iron brazier and declared war on motherfucking me for clumsily hitting on her via the Internet. It all began with this little letter using the Herr Crude template.

"Damn girl you got some bomb ass titties. Make a man wanna mm mmm mmm you up like some Campbell's or some shit. I don't know but I bet that pussy is fucking scorching and shit. Damn. Shit. Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Sop that shit up with a biscuit you know? Shit. I saw you in yo picture smiling like you wanna set that phone to vibrate and ride that bitch home. Hit me back if you wanna hook up wit a big dick daddy got it going on you know"

At this point it doesn't take Gazoo sitting on your shoulder to tell you the person messaging you is either joking or his government-sponsored "aide" is typing this for him. All it takes is approximately one click of the profile I created to be able to see I'm not exactly the latter. Cortney never replied to my romantic croonings, so broken-heartedly I just went to the pet store and bought a puppy instead.

In her latest blog (August 3, 2005), Cortney has pledged to put a jihad on my ass and the ass of anyone else on the Internet to ever call her hot. Neverminding that hanging on to a private message for two months from a stranger you never wanted to speak to in the first place is a bit odd, Cortney's other most recent victim in what's sure to be a Ho Chi Minh Trail of Tears of the Sun is a 31 year old man who actually asked permission to toss the salad of a person online. My only hope is we don't end up in the same prison camp because he'll probably look at me with hungry eyes and I'll have to tell him I can't do anything like that because I'm keeping a watch in my asshole to be delivered to my son.

Cortney tells us, "I have warned you. I have flagged you for abuse. I have reported you. I have even made fun of you. But you dont get the point. I may not be a Victorian waif. But I am still a lady. If you dont know me, then you can't type vulgar and nasty things to me. Keep doing it. I am going to fight back. I wont put up with it." A few paragraphs later, " I am going to add everyones URLs and messages whenever anyone tried to talk to me that way. I am sure I have one bored friend out here in myspaceland that will be happy to take it upon themselves to sign you up for gay porn."

To summarize, Cortney did the thing all girls under 12 do when a strange man approaches them, she tattled. When myspace effectively told her she was kind of an idiot and that viciously attractive men on the Internet hitting on her not only didn't violate any of their terms of service, but it also made him kind of a courageous American for doing so, she took the next logical step. She threatened us all with the full force of the gays. So my little !ncredimaniacs, if I disappear sometime soon it's not because I don't love you. It's because a dipshit on the Internet tossed a bomb full of homosexuality at me.