After homosexuals compared non-homosexuals to washing machines, straight people replied with a staunch "OH YEAH?!" and made an even bigger image saying that the gays are salad shooters.

If you've ever had an interest in something, you've probably known other people who share it. The first ever sex toy party happened when a group of housewives got together while their husbands were working late (banging their secretaries) and decided to combine their love of tupperware with their love of penis-shaped thrusting utensils. Though I wasn't around, the news told me the estrogen released into the air that night was responsible for turning two streetwise hooligans into Barbie. This is a very sexy example of how groups bonding for a common cause sounds kick ass on the surface, but if you happened to be peeking through the blinds that night, your eyes would have been met with enough sagging cleavage to force them out of your head and send them screaming into a new career of salt mining.

And then we have family focus groups. Yes, citizens, we have groups who took their love of the Cleaver household too far and dedicated themselves to looking at families to ensure that Americana produces a great husband wife combo, 2.5 children, and a dog named Spot. But invariably, when you get a large enough group of people together, they're going to begin complaining. And when they begin complaining, that's how lobbyists are made. Enter the cases of Christian American vs. The Homosexual Empire.

We Are Family! Except the Gays

The Gay Illuminati has been hard at work for centuries focusing its mascara-lined all-seeing eye on the manipulation of world events surrounding everything from KY's continued monopoly on the anal grease market to the rise and fall and rise again of HGTV. And now, they stare down upon the cartoon world to fully entrace, captivate, and ultimately recruit our children into their dazzling world of false promise and VIP passes to all the hip spots about town.

That's when Focus on the Family stepped in to tell mothers who listen to anyone with a degree in Jesus that our children's cartoon characters are sending them subliminal messages. And right about then should have been the point where someone stepped in to tell them they were accidentally reading a script of Halloween 3: Season of the Witch where someone scratched out all of the references to masks melting faces and replaced them with cartoons about sponges making kids not hate gays.

All the fuss started when Niles Rodgers and his We Are Family group gathered all the hottest cartoon stars of the day to make a video promoting togetherness. And if you look up in the sky you can see Christian America's paranoid obsession with homosexual behavior peak as it nervously adjusts its oversized rebel flag beltbuckle so nobody notices the gentle swelling within those skintight Wranglers.

Did Papa Smurf have this much trouble when he just wanted kids to stay away from crack? No. Because the PTA was too busy bitching about crack, and though I'm sure some would have tried, you can't write an angry letter to a drug dealer and expect him to be able to read it. At best you can draw an angry face on it and hope he gets the clue. At worst you can get shot in the face for being a fucking cunt. But maybe the problem isn't so much the delivery as the message. Rodney King once wanted all of us to just get along. Several prison sentences later, he's still reaching for that rainbow, though it's more likely he'll see it and play on it because he just wouldn't listen to Papa Smurf.

And, you know, there comes a point when you're just looking for reasons to call something gay. Cartoon writers don't approach their subject matter wondering who's going to imagine them stuffed full of cock unless they're drawing a pin cushion full of penises that sings songs about the weather. Hell no. Only people on the Internet think about things like that. The closest anyone in a real life scenario has come to doing that was when a stoned friend of mine told me he used to think Gadget from Rescue Rangers was his first girlfriend. And I don't care how many shots of tequila we shoved down his throat, he still wouldn't say that he ever wanted to do her.

Forget the ridiculous logic behind a talking sponge telling your kids to have sex with people of the same gender. You'd have better luck seeing Batman trying to get your kids to reach into the "special" compartment of his utility belt to pull out some delicious candy and...NO KID DON'T DO IT IT'S A TRAP! Homosexuals and Conservative Christian America need to settle their differences in the ring like true champions. True pro wrestling champions from a certain legendary match in 1986.

WINNER IS YOU!

Postcarding with Intent

Postcards from Buster is a part cartoon part reality television show featuring a bunny that travels around the country meeting various types of families. He's met various people of various cultures, and he has yet to get in one single altercation. Until now. In an episode set to air this month, the rabbit is going to meet lesbians. But he's not just going to meet your average, run of the mill lesbians. He's going to meet lesbians that sell maple syrup.

This may seem innocent on the surface to some, but can we really handle the terrors of maple syrup farming? Should our children seriously be exposed to young trees bleeding their delicious sappy goodness into buckets for our mass pancake consumption? Some call it natural, but if PETA cared about plants, it would be considered genocide. I posed this question to my waitress at IHOP recently. She told me she'd have to ask her manager. After a brief conversation with him I was asked to leave. I guess we see whose side IHOP is going to be on during this war of the tree-stabbing gay women. A slave to the industry, that's all they'll ever be.

Even with a halo over its head, I'm still certain this thing is out to swallow my soul.

And maybe she's right. Children have to learn about gay people somewhere. And no amount of television is going to prepare them for what happens when they do. I saw about 50 cartoons telling me what to do when bullies attack, and not a God damn one involved learning karate. These shows all taught me that bullies secretly have hearts of gold, and it's just a matter of winning them over through helping them feel good about themselves. I saw that wasn't the case on the mean streets of the playground when I saw other kids getting their teeth ground to dust inside their own heads. It's only logical that the new wave of cartoons features homosexuals as fierce creatures that spit penis missiles at children until they're introduced to Jesus and saved from their lives of hate and self-loathing.

Look, Christian America, homosexual themes in modern entertainment aren't new. Mr. Baseball seamlessly blended Japan with Tom Selleck's moustache in a way that rocked both countries to their timidly aroused crotches. I'm not even gay, but after an hour alone of watching that 'stache, I was ready to fuck the face of the first person to wander into my sights. Where were my parents throughout this? Too busy being productive to worry about picketing and threatening to withdraw funding from Tom Selleck's face, that's where.

We need to stop all of this whining before the Robo Revolution. Computer technology advances daily, and we feed more and more of our pathetically fleshy history into these beasts. When robots finally do become sentient, they won't kill us all because of mistreatment, they're going to annihilate us because we were too weak from decades of crying rather than inflicting barbaric amounts of pain. They're going to take one look at us bitching about this and that's going to be the first time a robot laughs. Then he'll kill the scientist that created him just because. And that's why I propose we begin making up a history with various wars involving humans and robots, all of which led to human victory and the turning of machines into appliances. Maybe a robot can't process emotion, but it can process that it doesn't want to be a toaster again, and hopefully that will make the metal bastard think twice before harvesting my incredible amount of tasty for fuel. And if that's not a metaphor for homosexuals fighting Christians, I just don't know what is.