Political scandals these days are a given for almost any person in office. Some choose to respond with righteous indignation while others choose to pursue the path of outrage whenever the President's shady dealings are exposed. Whether it be arming a nation full of crazy self-exploding people and then blowing the shit out of them or the latest blowjobapalooza scandal, you can guarantee overhearing at least one group of people discussing it in front of the tabloid rack at the grocery store. The latest person to be involved in a front page scandal is Fox News host Bill O'Reilly. Considered a model of moral America by soccer moms and an angry douche by everyone else, O'Reilly recently found himself in a scandal in which an employee filed a lawsuit for $60 million on sexual harassment charges. The suit has since been settled out of court, but thanks to the amazing technology of the future, I've been able to put previous White House scandals in the context of what he was accused of saying in the various quease-inducing conversations. Extra me-related commentary will appear in this color, because green makes me feel pretty. Watergate Those who doubt Nixon's political validity always fail to mention his greatest accomplishment - bringing the first and probably only person named Spiro into the White House. And if that's not rad, I just don't know what is. "If any woman ever breathed a word I'll make her pay so dearly that she'll wish she'd never been born. I'll rake her through the mud, bring up things in her life and make her so miserable that she'll be destroyed. And besides, she wouldn't be able to afford the lawyers I can or endure it financially as long as I can. And nobody would believe her, it'd be her word against mine and who are they going to believe? Me or some unstable woman making outrageous accusations. They'd see her a psycho, someone unstable. Besides, I'd never make the mistake of picking unstable girls like that." Reagan and Iran Contra If Reagan and Iran could somehow be turned into characters in an erotic fanfic on the Internet, I imagine it would sound a little like this, except it would end with one party shamefully hanging its head and walking away and never mentioning it to its friends. "You would basically be in the shower and then I would come in and I'd join you and you would have your back to me and I would take that little loofa thing and kinda soap up your back... rub it all over you, get you to relax, hot water... and um... you know, you'd feel the tension drain out of you and uh you still would be with your back to me then I would kinda put my arm -- it's one of those mitts, those loofa mitts you know, so I got my hands in it... and I would put it around front, kinda rub your tummy a little bit with it, and then with my other hand I would start to massage your boobs, get your nipples really hard... 'cuz I like that and you have really spectacular boobs... So anyway I'd be rubbing your big boobs and getting your nipples really hard, kinda kissing your neck from behind... and then I would take the other hand with the falafel thing and I'd put it on your pussy but you'd have to do it really light, just kind of a tease business." ....."squirt"..... Clinton Blowjob Reference any number of wacky late night talk show hosts and insert your own lame joke here. "You know, Mackris, in these days of your celibacy and your hibernation this is good for you to have a little fantasy outlet, you know, just to keep it tuned, keep that sensuality tuned until you know Mr. Right comes along and then you can put him in traction.... I'm trying to tell you, this is good for your mental health."

I am running for President and someone God damn well better give me a write in vote. Make yours count!

Economy

The economy. Properly running a system is a difficult task for any leader. One of the first things a good President must do is assess where his cities lie, as these will be the backbone of the entire economic structure. Cities with ample amounts of horses, fish, and irrigation ditches surrounding them will provide the proper nourishment for citizens and will grow quickly. Cities near oil fields in vast swamplands will provide the necessary shields to manufacture the buildings that make your day to day life easier, and cities near gigantic gold bars provide the valuable trade arrows that stimulate economic interests and keep a jingle going throughout the land. I feel our current administration has done a poor job of allocating the workforce of America, and as a result we have far too many citizens wearing the dark tuxedos of resentment. To balance this out, I plan to remove citizens from the lowest producing sectors of the economy until I have enough Elvis impersonators to counteract the dissenters. This, of course, will only last until there are cathedrals in these cities to automatically change the minds of 4 unhappy citizens. After fixing these issues, I will send the Elvis impersonators back to work, and the economy will thrive at full strength.

The War on Terror

We've been engaged in a war on terrorism for over three years now, and if the number of people still waiting for nuclear extinction is any indication of our success, I'd say terror is kicking us in the crotch while going OOGA BOOGA WHO SCARED NOW?! You probably remember other similar theaters involving wars on things that are impervious to bullets. Barely a decade ago we were thoroughly entrenched in a vicious war on drugs in which thousands of brave marijuana plants were savagely burned for war crimes, but in a strange twist of fate it was the hippies proving to be the aggressors as they destroyed crop after crop of the insidious plants. I'm not going to bother with checking sources on who won this war, but the intoxicated lady that recently attempted to trade me a "fat rock" for a cup of coffee indicates a loss for USA #1.

This Farenheit-451-fuck-you-Michael-Moore-style attack on a concept has led us to Iraq to liberate its people from the evil tyranny of Saddam Hussein, and you know, I fully support this. Any man that can make an arsenal of mass KABOOMery disappear into thin air is working with some powers not of this world, and let me tell you the world is better off without a rogue wizard in power. Unfortunately, our current exit plan reads exactly like a motivational poster, and given that terrorists would most likely decapitate a kitten to show just how serious they are about making our middle class elderly afraid, I'd say it's a little flimsy at best.

Not that I really have a decent exit strategy either. My experience with pulling out of hostile foreign regions begins and ends with getting caught staring through a peephole in the girls locker room. The best I can think of to offer is the same letter I wrote for that occasion.

Dear Luscious Ladies Iraq,

I understand you're feeling a bit dirty and betrayed right now, and that's understandable. I have absolutely no intention of attempting to pass the blame of what I've done to anyone else. It's just not my fault is all I'm saying. You see, that hole, and the problems you face were there long before I ever peeked in to see what goes on in your private land. I did not drill it, and I certainly wasn't particularly concerned with what biological disasters may be festering in those panties. I'm sorry I saw anything, and I feel it's best that we just try to put this silly nonsense behind us. I am ashamed of my behavior, and I offer my most sincere apologies. However, I do not feel it is my responsibility to plug the problem I did not create, so it would be in your best interests to just do it yourselves. Best of luck with that, and if anybody wants to meet me under the bleachers after 5th period, my number is on the back of this note. ;)

Gay Marriage

Gay marriage is a very important and controversial topic for this year's election. The matrimony between man and man means everything to those who place their penises in alternative vaginas, and it means even more to the rifle-toting crazies determined to prevent it. On the one hand, allowing homosexuals to freely marry each other could bring about a color-coordinated Renaissance unlike the world has ever seen. But on the other, would you really want to be the officer called to the scene when a husband is plastered on strawberry daiqaris and causes a domestic dispute?

1. Marriage is an institution between one man and one woman.

This is the main argument against gay marriage, and it most relies on the belief that once homosexuals are allowed to marry, it will bring forth all new crazies trying to marry their pets, furniture, and in a shocking future precident: their dead spouses!!

2. Marriage is for procreation.

I know every point against gay marriage reads as if it were written by someone who has never actually had sex, but I'm pretty sure nobody believes babies still come via the stork express. And since marriage is now strictly for procreational purposes, my court battle has recieved a new life. "Your honor, it can't be mine. We never married!" Case closed.

3. Same-sex couples aren't the optimum environment in which to raise children.

Neither are singing bears, but there's no case involving people protesting The Jungle Book. Most people following this train of thought believe children raised by homosexuals will grow up to become homosexuals themselves, and I can see the concern over this because people that can't procreate themselves have to spread their butt-humping agenda as best they can.

4. Gay relationships are immoral.

Somewhere in the world is a man furiously stitching together the final pieces of his Winnie the Pooh costume with honey-flavored dong, and when you start thinking about the cartoon characters you grew up watching having sex, suddenly the gay couple having brunch together doesn't seem so gross.

5. Marriages are for ensuring the continuation of the species.

I guess the author of this list just really wanted to drive home the point that marriage is for making babies, just like divorce erases children and all memory of them from history.

6. Same-sex marriage would threaten the institution of marriage.

If this sounds familiar to you, it may be because the same point was brought up when the blacks started tainting the white gene pool with their wild afros and ability to dance. Joked one U.S. senator on the subject, "Whites marrying blacks? Haha...how absurd. Soon someone will be telling us that it's acceptable for men to wed other men."

7. Marriage is traditionally a heterosexual institution.

Good point. And hot girl on girl oil wrestling was traditionally a lesbian institution until straight people decided to go and hetero the entire thing up by filming it for mass masturbation in the latest hot college spring break slut collection.

8. Same-sex marriage is an untried social experiment.

And just think of how funny it will be if it fails. Oh to be the researcher who announces on nationwide television, "You know this whole gay marriage thing? Sorry guys, it's just not working. However, we've finally isolated the gay gene by subjecting DNA to Barry Manilow and seeing which one didn't try to change the radio station. Prepare to have the gay kicked right out of your skull in the name of science!"

9. Same-sex marriage would start us down a "slippery slope" towards legalized incest, bestial marriage, polygamy and all kinds of other horrible consequences.

Wow. It's a world where Hitler had his personality completely reversed by drinking a yellow potion made in his Sims home chemistry set, and won. The author's constant use of unnecessary quotations is starting to remind me of the type of socially retarded person that uses finger quotes whenever talking about anything requiring even a small amount of visualization. This "slippery slope" is kind of like the "Richard Nixon" plummet into "Watergate", except this one involves "butt""holes".

10. Granting gays the right to marry is a "special" right.

A little known fact is that gays used to be considered 2/5 of human beings, placing them as slightly less human than freed slaves. Since they gained equal status, they've abused their right to vote, showing up in record numbers. Let's not repeat those mistakes. A group of people that would exercise civil freedom with such reckless abandon is bad news, and you can count on them getting married like crazy once it's considered ok.

11. Sodomy is illegal.

If this sounds familiar to you, it may be because the same point was brought up when the blacks started tainting the white gene pool with their wild afros and ability to dance.

You know, fuck it. I propose a trade with gay society. You can get married all you want, but only if you stop having those crazy gay pride parades. I don't make a giant float when I have sex my girlfriend, and your orgasm is something I feel shouldn't be celebrated by anyone outside of you.

Health Care

"The only two things in life that are certain are death and taxes." That may have been true in the days before frequent bathing was discovered to make you less likely to die before the age of 30. Now two other things in life are certain: growing older and the way growing older causes you to spend more and more of your day playing video poker at the local gas station. Unfortunately, the only way anyone over 50 will ever see this message is if their prescription bottles come equipped with Internet access. Therefore, if you're 50+ and reading this, you are not part of the target demographic my crack team of people who make very important looking graphs tells me I cater to. So as far as I'm concerned you can go back to pulling quarters out of your newphews ear...RIGHT INTO THE GRAVE!

And the rumor is true. The President really does get an AIDS vaccine when sworn into office. God bless America.