Every now and then it takes a good old zombie attack to shake things up in a small town and really sort out the who's who in this crazy food chain of ours. Heroes are born. Legends are made. Such an incident happened in Raccoon City beginning in 1997 in Capcom's Resident Evil and those events still haunt some of the survivors today. But what if such an outbreak never occured? Would these people even be half of what they are today? Join me as I step through the looking glass and see how things are on the other side in a world where zombies never came forth from the land of the dead to forge some of our heroes in the fires of battle.

Jill Valentine

Mmm. What's that gentle waft coming from the beautiful little cabin tucked away deep within the wilderness surrounding Raccoon City? Why it's mother Valentine's famous Dutch apple pie cooling on the window sill! Nuh-uh mischievous little squirrel, that pie's not for you! It's for Mama Valentine's loving husband Chris and her 5 beautiful little children. Jill's is the classic story of a high school prom queen turned domesticated fat ass. Those beautiful eyes that once sparkled with so much life now possess the dull gleam of complacency in her mediocre existance. The sway to her step that once accentuated many an elegant gown has long since been replaced with the gait of a woman who has plunked out one child too many. Her thirst for justice has become a thirst for something more tangible, more liquid, more moonshiney. But still, Jill is happy with her life. She enjoys her weekly trip to the grocery store for canned goods, or provisions as her grizzled husband calls them. She smiles at old friends and avoids conflict. She attends church every Sunday. She votes Republican. She is truly middle America.

Leon Kennedy

That's it, baby! Work that runway. Make it yours. Smile in those ads. Make them want that million dollar smile and that billion dollar crotch. Strut like you really mean it. Talk about activism. Tell the cameras you want to save the whales, feed Africa, fuck a supermodel. Cash? Fuck no. Only credit card. If you have to touch paper, you want nothing to do with their primitive cave establishment. Cruise the Riviera in your soft top, Corinthian Leather all the way. No baby seals were harmed in the making of this ad. You're a Calvin Klein model, baby, and your groin in those boxer briefs with the French cut will make the ladies all run out and buy a pair for their boyfriends. But they don't want their boyfriends. They want you, baby. They'll witness their boyfriends in them with their flacid manbellies and sweaty armpits, but you'll be the one they see, baby. You're the chosen one. You're Leon Kennedy, baby, and you're fucking beautiful.

Barry Burton

It's bittersweet how time passes by while you peer down into the empty cylinders of your revolver. The days turn to months, the months to years as those hollow chambers become more and more like metaphors for the time you've spent growing your fine, flaming red beard as you enter the World Beard Championship like some bulletproof vested Norse God. But despite the power of your beard, you were not quite good enough. This is the story of Barry Burton, a man haunted by his failure and mistakes. After losing the World Beard Championship to a German named Hans, Barry became a mere shell, a ghost wandering the Earth in search of the manhood he lost so long ago. Returning to the force is never really an option after a man storms out of the building with his badge embedded in the chief's desk from the force of throwing it down. Finally he was arrested on one particularly dreary winter night while inappropriately soliciting a female officer disguised as a prostitute with the now-infamous line "Here...take this. It might be useful if you...the master of fellatio...were to touch it. Seriously, c'mon, just once or twice. 20 bucks?"

Chris Redfield

Where do actors go when their careers are over? Some delve into alcoholism. Some go on to teach others their talents, speak at seminars, and spend the rest of their days reliving their best times at conventions in hopes that some lonely person will remember them enough to say hi. Not Reb Brown, probably best known for his role in 1988's Space Mutiny. Tossing aside his acting career that was fading like so many pairs of space trousers wahsed too many times in the cosmic spin cycle of the universe, Rebb decided it was time to be the intergalactic lawman he always knew he could be. On Earth. 1997 had Beef Steamroller's last movie, and with his new life came a new name. He quickly found himself Hulk Hugestrong served the force for many years before meeting Jill Valentine. Taken by his sassy hair and Large Rockpecs, the two found themselves in a whirlwind relationship and married. However, a storybook romance is never without its share of heartbreak and trauma. He saw those two green herbs sitting in the back alley that fateful day. And if Rhino Wonderstrong only had two more item slots he'd have grabbed them. But this is the price dedicated officers pay for their increased strength, and Crunch McCrunchingcrunch found himself gunned down in pursuit of a fugitive. Left unable to serve and protect, Hero Defeatedlots moved into the mountains with his wife and children to spend the rest of his days peacefully chopping down trees and distilling liquor. You can see the light from their cabin burning long into the night, and some say that when the wind is right you can hear the gentle sobbing of a mountain man breezing its way through the trees.