A Brief History of the Chicken Fry

Last year Burger King earned its degree in genetic engineering for the retarded when it combined the same Frankenstein monsters that we call Chicken McNuggets with French fries. Yes, French fries, because they are long, skinny, and kind of flop around limply when you pick them up unlike their way bad ass and bomb-dropping Freedom counterparts. The obvious question is why? Is smuggling fried chicken through airport security such an issue that some clever mastermind decided to cleverly cloak his dinner as another type of food? Are persecuted chunks of meat desperately fleeing their oppressors and disguising themselves as fries to escape the flailing arms of the very PETA members supposed to protect them? Has science finally gone insane? Some would stare at this creation and shriek, "Are you good sirs gone mad?! Why, why you have combined a chicken with a potato! MADNESS!" Upon which several women would faint and their powdered wigs would skyrocket from their heads - their dresses comically flying up to briefly expose the underfrills of their enormous poofy dresses. Burger King's new product was just that awe-inspring.

I would never be an advertising major because I could never see myself taking ideas that should already be considered too stupid for human consumption and dumbing them down so they're palatable to the general audience. It's like walking into a special ed class and making the kids unlearn their favorite flavor of crayon. Yeah, the guy that woke up one day and decided the world would be a better place if we decorated chicken fingers like tiny French fries probably had to be told to take a ten minute break whenever he got excited over the prospect of putting little dresses on them too, but at least his craziness keeps him warm at night. And makes him little boots from the organs of children. I would much rather walk a mile in his shoes, not just for the comfort that walking on baby heads brings to me, but also because it beats being the guy that had to pitch this to the masses. Fortunately Burger King has its fingers against the throbbing pulse of 2000's ghost, and so Coq Roq was born.

For those uninitiated, Coq Roq is a fake band created by Burger King to sell their chicken fries, and it's all up in your face name doesn't stop with just rocking your face, it straight up tells you that it's going to rock you all the way down to your timid penis. And like the last fat biker slut that threatened to do the same thing to you, they're decorated in leather and wear things on their faces that resemble the crap stuck at the bottom of the fryer at most fast food places.

I have no idea who created Coq Roq, but I imagine their creation involved a guy's presentation cd containing lots of close-ups of grill marks on chicken breasts being comically swapped with his metalhead teenager's "The Masques of Nu Metul" mix cd. The stoagy board of directors stared the sweating man down as he awaited being fired while loosening his tie, the music from the cd blasting forth as some warcry to end his failed career. Then they applauded him for his groundbreaking new method. Meanwhile, at a high school down the street, a kid's love of hatred was replaced by sweet, gentle pie charts, and the plot for a zany live action Disney movie was written.

Most musicians wait until their third album to start shilling worthless products. Rappers have their own clothing lines by their second cd, and most rock stars are telling you not to do the drugs they did somewhere around the time they're drained and creatively worthless. It's hard to take a marketing device involving guys in chicken masks seriously enough to even make fun of it, but the guys in Slipknot were quick to realize that their prized identity as metal's only band featuring someone in a kabuki mask and Duke "The Dumpster" Droese's wrestling attire was at stake. They did what anyone would do. They pushed their prosthetic dong noses aside long enough to make a phone call to their lawyers, and shortly after the airwaves were robbed of Coq Roq Burger King commercials, and when the world is robbed of Burger King commercials a McDonald's arch gets its wings. As a side note, Slipknot lyrics are especially hilarious when surrounded by the angry smiley on AIM.

On to Part 2: A Diagnosis of Trayliners