Man Burns Barbie, Mattel Sues

Written by CapnIncredible
Friday, 27 May 2005
This is a political cartoon. You can tell it is one by the lack of whimsical talking cats and/or sassy black children.

Art has been a form of social masturbation since a caveman one day decided it would be hilarious to draw the cave-mayor's face on a cartoon dinosaur to show how upest he was at the new wooly mammoth tusk tax. This evolved throughout the years until it all culminated with the creation of the politcal cartoon. During the founding of America, political cartoons took shape as mostly drawings of random objects with names of states or people drawn on various things, some of which may have been on fire to demonstrate that state's burning hatred of British rule. Or maybe the states really were on fire. Some mysteries are best left to history.

In the 60's the people witnessed hairy she beasts with flowers painted on them burning their bras in the name of liberation and crazy monks setting themselves on fire in Vietnam. 1999, not being one to be overshadowed by the stupidity of previous decades, fought back with an artistic lunatic of its own. Tom Forsythe found himself under the attack of mega-corporation Mattel after taking a series of photographs depicting Barbie dolls in various compromising situations such as being covered in salsa and wrapped in tortilla shells. Similarly, DC Comics may be seeking reparations pending an investigation as to whether a Superman toy rescued them from their delicious demise. Other photos include nude Barbie dolls on a malt machine, in a blender, and melting on a wok.

As if it is not bad enough that Forsythe had an entire photoshoot of children's toys being prepared for cannabalism by a collection of plastic Indians, the man actually has the nerves of steel to call himself an "artsurdist". This is where something stops being one man's obsession with making moronic points about society and begins lapsing into the range of super-powered criminal insanity. For example, if you go through life with a last name like Arctico, you may as well be prepared to spend the rest of your days psychically commanding polar bears to do your bidding. Calling yourself something like Artsurdist is more or less a sign that you will eventually go on to commit art crimes so fiendishly silly, police officers will be too busy laughing to stop your wave of terror. Of course, once you reach such a state of megalomania that you begin naming your special brand of art form as something to pass it off as being outside the genre of 'stupid fag shit', taking over the world by holding world leaders for ransom with flaming Mona Lisas is probably too high on your paint-smeared radar.

Barbie
Some people depict their sadness by crying. Some people depict their frustration by punching things. Some people depict their anger by serving dolls intended for little girls on the half shell and roasting them in an oven. "Just set it and forget it," exclaimed Ron Popeil on a completely different subject.

Forsythe says he uses these images to criticize "the materialistic and gender-oppressive values" these dolls depict. To those of you outside the intellectual circle jerk of cappucinos and pink ponies of the art world, this statement translates into "Since there are laws against cooking sexually attractive women, I thought I would instead do it to a sexually attractive doll to show how upset I am." This statement would have reached a larger audience had he taken the money and registered a web site proclaiming his hatred of how modern beauty techniques keeps most of our women from resembling 16th century British street urchins. Given that the Internet is a virtual breeding ground for women whose body masses consist of 90% peanut butter, he probably would have found a much larger group of people in quantity and mass who agree with him.

This is not to say that Forsythe has not made his fair share of profit from this. Records indicate that he made over $3,500 off of postcards made from these pictures. Given that the average postcard costs somewhere near a dollar, that comes to about 3,500 Hawaiian-shirt-clad tourists mailing pictures of mutilated children's toys to their relatives with something along the lines of "I see Bermuda. Sorry Bermuda can't see you." scrawled on the back.

Barbie is an easy victim, and any real artist would pick out something vague and obscure to prove whatever insane point this man was attempting to make. Virtually everyone under the sun picks Barbie whenever there is some point about the way the world works to be made. To prove this, take the number of times you have heard about people strapping Transformers to rockets to protest the unrealistic expectations they place on children to grow up and become talking trucks. Making fun of Barbie is so simple even Aqua could do it, and following in the footsteps of the Danish is considered a social stigma in most parts of the world.

When Mattel found out about this disgrace, they did what any self-respecting company would do. They sued Forsythe claiming that his photos were ripping their copyrights to atoms and then blasting those atoms into a disarray of protons and electrons. Mattel furthered their claims by stating that his photos may confuse consumers into believing they were responsible for the bizarre photographs. It also does not take years of strategic marketing analysis to realize that people who would send out postcards of cooked dolls are probably as likely to be able to afford a Barbie as they are of ever looking like her.

Their lawsuit was so absurd that it took not one but two courts to finally drive the point through Mattel's head that people are free to serve Barbie however they please. This instance of judicial wackiness serves as another fine showcase of what a double-edged sword our legal system is. On the one hand, Mattel lost, so freedom of speech lives another day. On the other hand, there are still no cyborg-enforced laws mandating the murder of people who smear oil on a canvas and declare themselves deep and meaningful.

Since Mattel has a tendency to start dispatching their team of highly trained lawyers whenever someone so much as utters the word Barbie, I would like to take this time to cover my own ass by saying that I am in no way affiliated with Barbie, Mattel, or any of their other fine products that make wonderful appetizers.

Side Story

A few years ago some people around here who are better off remaining nameless decided to rearrange the letters of a sign in front of a Christian school to say "creamy shits". I originally found this to be classless hilarity at its finest. After learning of the Barbie debacle, I have decided the clever re-lettering is not just a mere childish prank but instead an artistic expression of how Jesus and school combine to form explosive diarrhea. Now that is art in motion with no strings attached.

There are no comments for this item.

< Prev		Next >