Another year is almost over and we are another year closer to an apocalyptic holocaust that I imagine will be very hot and painful. This article is to celebrate some of the events of this year that stuck out the most. Some will be omitted for a later article, but rest assured that these are the ripest tomatoes in the garden of phunnay. Everything is broken down into three sections: stupid happenings, entertainment whats-happenings, and some of the more notable events of the year. To assist me with this monumental task, I have recruited various members of Capcom's Street Fighter franchise. So please enjoy the article lest Blanka chew off your face.

Stupid Causes: Cry Harder with a Vengeance

KFC Unkind - Pamela Anderson Saves the Day!

Recently Pam Anderson was shocked to discover that the parent company of KFC is largely responsible for a poultry Holocaust unlike the world has never seen. Day after day, chickens everywhere have their wings and beaks broken before they are tossed into feather-removal tanks that then execute the birds to scalded deliciousness. PETA took action in the same way that any rational and credible interest group would do - they called the chick on their posters to get her to write a nasty letter. In it Anderson went on to complain: "I must admit at the outset that I can't understand why a company that claims to care about animal welfare would continue to allow chickens to be bred and drugged to be so top-heavy that they can barely walk..." and it doesn't really matter what else she wrote because Pamela Anderson having complaints of a beast on this Earth other than she being top-heavy and drugged automatically disqualifies PETA from the debate. There's a reason Ike Turner has never spoken at female empowerment seminars and there's a reason you don't pick The Silicone Queen of the West to speak against the unethical treatment behind artificial breast enhancement.

KFC fired back with its own response. "KFC uses only the highest quality ingredients in all the meals we freshly prepare in our restaurant kitchens," Bonnie Warschauer, a woman whose last name sounds remarkably similar to "Poultry Death God", said. Whether she was actually referring to the topic at hand or she's a malfunctioning android still remains to be seen.

Master and Slave Deemed Racist

The computer world was rocked to its Pentium core when a man in Los Angeles came across a videotape machine with the labels "master" and "slave". The thought of one part maintaining the shackles of oppression over the other, probably colored part was enough to make this unknown person file a complaint regarding the racist computer parts he probably had no business looking at in the first place. Blacks are not happy with this sudden realization of a term that has been in use since, if my memory of computer history serves me correctly, forever. While no formal research has been made into finding new ways for people to not get offended by racist computers, I would like to offer up "cracker" and "darkie" to be the newer, gentler standard in the computer world.

GTA: Vice City Kills Immigrants

Rockstar's Grand Theft Auto series has been under close scrutiny by several groups of people who believe that because a video game lets you kill someone, you're going to don a Hawaiian shirt and start shooting rockets at pedestrians. Those of us living in a plane of reality where we stop bouncing on Goombas heads after we turn off the power know better, but apparently several Cubans and Haitians do not. I'm not going to bother describing the content of these games, because even if you have been stranded on a deserted island for the past 5 years, you have undoubtedly received a bottle containing an ad for the game at some point. The focus of this outrage lies in the portrayal that all Cuban and Haitian gangs are drug dealers and killers. This of course goes against the old belief that most Hispanic gangs are into flamenco dancing and volunteering at youth centers. Let me put it this way, and for those of you keeping a scrapbook of things marking the downfall of civilization, take a screenshot. If the people behind this actually get anything other than a shrug from the company, the people populating the streets of these games will have to become faceless, colorless, genderless beings wandering the streets to keep from offending anyone. But even then Rock star will eventually have to deal with the backlash from the disembodied spirit community for depicting all ghosts and incorporeal beings. Fortunately, it probably will never come to this as Take-Two Interactive Software Inc. was quoted as saying, "We empathize with the concerns of the Haitian community and we are giving serious consideration to them." Statements of this magnitude in legalese usually translate into the English language as something like "sucks to be you, please buy our next game - Operation Cuban Genocide."

DON'T LOOK IT'S TOTALLY RACIST!

Stupid Crimes

Man Goes Berserk in Supermarket

In Bettendo, Iowa, a man caused almost 20,000 dollars worth of vegetable damage when he grabbed a fire extinguisher and sprayed all of the vegetables with it. A security camera caught a man with a cardboard box on his head committing the produce jihad somewhere around 2 am. Yeah, you read that right. The payoff of completely eradicating an entire third world country's supply of food is incredibly limited unless you are an evil dictator attempting to seize power from the country's current leader. Since the hierarchy of grocery store politics does not automatically lead the people to rebel against the managerial body whenever the fresh food section is destroyed, it is safe to assume that this man obviously had some form of debilitating psychosis towards carrots. And even if these vegetables were of the killer alien variety, coating them with a substance used to extinguish fires probably would not stop them from rising to power and making us their staple crop.

Leprechaun Escapes from Prison

There are only two instances when wearing a leprechaun suit will not result in funny looks in a public setting. One of them is St. Patrick's Day, and the other only exists in a parallel universe where leprechauns rule the world. Timothy Norwood Baker escaped from prison and decided it to be a good idea to trade in his orange prison jumpsuit. He decided the Baylor University Fine Arts Center would be the best place to start his search for new duds and found a dazzling array of dresses, various witch and fairy outfits, and decided on a green leprechaun outfit to help him blend in. Police later arrested him at a convenience store, and it is probably a good thing they got him when they did, because Baker was previously jailed for sexual assault. Take a note from a page of my own personal tragedies when I say that being raped by a leprechaun is no laughing matter.

Barking at Dogs - A-OK

A court in Athens, Ohio ruled that it is perfectly acceptable to bark at police dogs. Jeremy Gilchrist found himself facing the long arm of the law when a police dog barked at him and he returned the favor. Authorities attempted to cite animal abuse charges against the dog who, while perfectly capable of barking at people, found itself seeking reparations for emotional damage after Gilchrist made fun of it with criminal intent. So exactly what is illegal about speaking to a canine in its native tongue? According to Officer Krishea Osbourne, the man barking at the dog worked the dog into a frenzy. As a testament to how insanity is creeping into law enforcement, we can all stare blankly with our jaws in agape shock knowing that Ohio police are impeding on the civil liberty of making stupid noises in public, a crime that The Three Stooges would be serving until the sun goes supernova. To make this even worse, attorney Patrick McGee actually had to remind everyone that because the dog was barking "did not entitle it to a solo performance". Just representing this case alone has to be a huge step backwards in your career. "Yes, you want me to represent you? Well, what's the charge against you? You were charged with barking at a dog, you say? Uhm... I'd love to take your case, really, I would, but I currently have a full schedule with a case involving a man who mocked a poodle by eating his own feces in front of it."

X-TREME COFFEE LAWSUIT

Anyone can make an easy 10 year's worth of salary off of spilled coffee these days. I plan on changing my major to get into this fun and fast-paced field before it becomes overcrowded. It's easy, you can do it in your spare time, and it pays better than any job I could possibly learn in 4 years or less. Since the landmark case against McDonald's several years ago, coffee cases have been coming out of the maggot-infested woodworks of stupid. Soon you will be able to sue Folger's and Mr. Coffee coffee makers for brewing your own drink and dumping it on your face in the privacy of your own RV. Brent and Virginia Zimmer were two of the most recent pioneers in this new science. They are seeking $150,000 in damages after a waitress spilled coffee on Mr. Zimmer at Lafayette College. Zimmer claims to have second and third degree burns over various parts of his body which still cause pain. Because of this, he has since lost $3,250 in income and $825 in medical expenses. This leads to $4,075 in actual damages and $145,925 to help them be less traumatized after the event. This comes out to almost 36 bucks earned per every dollar spent or lost, a number higher than what most people outside of the field of getting burned to fuck and back.

Entertainment

Star Wars Kid

A fat kid waving around a golf ball retriever while pretending to be a Jedi knight is the sole reason the Internet was made. A 15-year-old Canadian kid found himself all over the Internet after forgetting to remove a video cassette when he recorded himself acting out a fierce battle against invisible assailants. Oh, and the kid's name is Ghyslain. I'm no expert on the unspoken laws of the Canadian schoolyard, but I'm fairly certain going through life with the name Ghyslain still entitles you to having your underwear yanked over your head every single day for the rest of your life no matter where you live. Reactions to this video were generally limited. The most common of which was laughter, but there was also a sentiment of shared closeness amongst the nerd community as several accepted him as a sort of geek dignitary and symbol of their own tragically comedic childhood. As it stands, the kid is the most downloaded man on the Internet, and really, if you save the world from your own insane imagination, you have earned that title.

Paris Hilton Has Sex: Seven Die in Deluge of Masturbatory Semen

Paris Hilton's sex tape hit the Internet back in November. Final totals are not in on how much cash was made from the fiasco, but early tallies estimate the number to be somewhere around a million zillion dollars. The video itself was shot using a camera I believe is primarily used for jungle recon. As such, the video is mostly seen as either two blobs of green or two blobs of blue that I assume are people repeatedly bumping into each other in the most erotic display of hues since 1999's adult film, Primary Colors Gone Wild. The only thing in the video of decent quality is the sound, and hearing her now ex-boyfriend Salomon grunting and groaning the entire time is too reminiscent of a warthog in heat to be even the slightest bit of a turn on for anyone who doesn't host a show on Animal Planet.

I kid you not, there IS a breast somewhere in this mass of ectoplasm.

The Rise of 50 Cent

Mumbling as if you're rapping through a bologna sandwich, comparing your love of a woman to a fat kid and his cake, and really seriously not liking Ja Rule are all traits that helped catapult the flaming garbage bag that is 50 Cent's career into orbit around Pluto. Backed by Eminem, 50 Cent stormed the rap world with Wanksta and In the Club, two songs I am far too white to ever appreciate no matter how many pairs of Lugz I buy. What caused 50's rise to superstardom is a debate in many circles. I and several other like-minded conspiracists blame it on mind powers. Superhero comics have taught me that getting shot usually means you get either an atomic wheelchair, or the bullet lodges in your brain and gives you psychic abilities. So by this logic, it really is not that hard to fathom 50 Cent's bullet to the face giving him the ability to vocal beams to trick people into buying his cd's. For those of you scoffing at this notion, you're probably the ones who spent several hours arguing with your friends over the real definition of a wanksta.

50 Cent, aka Bullet McFace.

Metallica Never Dies

Several bands have shaped the face of music over the years, most of which leave it horribly disfigured and scarred like some hellishly horrible cases of acne and/or monkey pox. Most of these bands rise to the top of the charts to dominate with a couple of songs before inevitably imploding under the delusions of grandeur of their own successes while some happily spend forever playing in the underground scenes of the world. The music world is a fierce one, one that I often envision as resembling a war-torn Middle Earth complete with the orc-like creatures that are Gwar and the little elven girls that are Linkin Park. Very few bands stick through the storm of trends over the years, and one of these bands happens to be Metallica. Formed back in the Jurassic Era, Metallica was considered heavy even back then as most of the bands of the time made their music by hitting rocks against trees. Metallica, however, raised the bar greatly by hitting other bands against trees to make their own new and fresh sounds. Fast forward a few thousand years to the invention of the electric twanger, the first instrument to effectively combine the fearsome forces of electricity with the delightful taste of twang. This instrument and its bass counterpart helped the band catapult into mainstream success by giving metal to their metal act. Countless years later, Metallica stands as the only band to ever worsen by getting their hair cut, and then suck even more by trying to grow it back out again. You probably heard St. Anger playing on the radio as every DJ and VJ desperately attempted to hock their new cd to a general public that stopped caring years ago. Yes, there are Metallica fans out there who will stick with them until they die, but it should also be noted that there are people still praying for a Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch reunion tour.

Britney and Madonna Kiss: Universe Creams Its Pants

The MTV Video Music Awards has always been a scene for wild, over the top antics, and this year brought about two of music's stars in a lip lock to end all lip locks. This was one of the rare occasions where everyone could see the desperate attempt to revive two careers, but everyone was too busy fidgeting to hide the tightness in their pants to really speak up and say anything. Britney's career is plummeting to the ground at a speed that may very well send it back in time. Madonna's, having been driven into the center of the Earth years ago, is currently fighting dinosaurs with a lost civilization somewhere at the center of the Earth. Somewhere in the mix is Christina Aguilera who to this very day still says things like, "hey, I was in there too." Expect to see her making a guest appearance at next year's Video Game Awards ceremonies like all of the other celebrities nobody acknowledges anymore.

The man in the corner was placed to represent what every guy in America was doing after this.

The Matrix Middles and Ends

Meeting someone who has never seen at least one of the Matrix movies is akin to running into a woman with a superfluous third nipple growing on her tongue. It just never happens. Therefore, going into The Matrix: Reloaded without expecting a similar level of kick ass was virtually impossible. As the plucky young black man sitting in front of me in the theater yelled near the end, "what the fuck is this shit?" Really, I could go on and on for a paragraph about everything I found wrong with this movie, but I feel that particular young gentleman summed up my every emotion with one simple question.

Charles Bronson Dies

Charles Bronson has obliterated his final watermelon stand in a random act of film violence. Pneumonia claimed the star at age 81. One of his main claims was winning the award for the most popular actor in the world back in 1971, an award I can only describe as the most awesome thing ever. Bronson was most known for his role in the Death Wish movies in which he killed a lot of people after someone killed someone close to him. The first found him going against those who killed his wife and raped his daughter, the second saw him struggling against the gang responsible for killing his daughter, the third took the series in a new direction in which he killed a gang that killed his friend, the fourth marked a landmark in the series in which he eradicated drug dealers, and the fifth saw him kill some mobsters. This is the action star Vin Diesel only wishes he could be, a gung ho vigilante that shoots every single thing in his path. Charles, you will be missed.

Events

9/11 Never Forget: 2 Years After the Math

Oops, we forgot.

SARS: M@, It's Over, Man. Let It Go.

If you listened to your television this year, you probably went out and bought an oxygen mask and shotgun for the inevitable coming of a disease that flew planes into the twin towers of our lungs. As part of the preconditioning in people over 30 to freak out over everything television mentions as a threat, SARS was expected to slam into this country and exterminate 90% of the population. 50% of that would then rise from the grave to kill the living 10%. This disease, much like the last Metallica cd, was only obtained by a few people, and the number of deaths caused by each was probably close. Just to show how mixed up priorities people can be; SARS resulted in a benefit concert to help victims. There are diseases out there that have killed more people in a day that SARS has since ever, and they don't result in benefit concerts. This is the point where people with AIDS have to feel super gypped. Back in 2001, they were the original recipients of "What's Going On?" until they had their moment snatched away because of terrorists. But even the SARS star was a briefly shining one as a newer, funnier sounding disease replaced it. A few scattered cases of a disease called monkey pox spread for a few days. Saying your monkey pox is acting up really could not possibly sound good no matter how you try to well it. "Yeah, honey, get my cream. This monkey pox is itching. Could you bring me my nut sack stool, also? The cat keeps clawing my elephantiasis-infested testicles."

Football Riots: Not Just for the Scottish Anymore

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers effectively dismantled the Oakland Raiders' asses with their offensive colonoscopy at the Super Bowl. Since everyone in the entire nation saw this coming save the five people with dreams of striking it rich by betting against the Bucs, police presence was increased to prevent the inevitable destruction of Oakland by its own liquored up citizens. Several cars were destroyed, and several firefighters were injured in the ensuing insanity. You never see geeks getting in fights like this, and if you did, a single police officer could effectively take down the cloud of flailing limbs. There's a reason you never hear about riots breaking out over the ruling of Magic: the Gathering cards at tournaments, and that's because the number of people who care if Tommy "Cardz" Kingston loses is limited to such a small number that the collective group would have trouble tipping over a single dumpster. I can only think of two reasons Oakland would burn itself to the ground. The first involves everyone in Oakland turning into monsters due to a particular lunar phase. The second is the belief that God himself really wanted the Oakland Raiders to win so much that he felt the need to punish the heathens for failing Him.

Google tells me this is a football riot.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: Champion of California

I don't care if this man were running against a man from the future that could scientifically prove in laments terms that he could not only solve all of California's problems AND be able to enforce mandatory blowjobs for all male citizens, I would still vote for Arnold. His victory in this election means that either everyone in California has the same stupid sense of humor I do, or people in California place way too much faith in action stars. The state was in a state of horrible disarray before the election, and apparently the people thought the best man for the job was a guy whose qualifications include guerilla warfare with aliens. Now, if California were under siege by Predators, I could see the need for this drastic change in command, but if my math is correct, the number of these in does not warrant a potential threat to the status quo. Yeah, sure, it's funny to scribble in Daffy Duck as a write in for class president, but do we really want parts of our country run by a man known mostly for being an imaginary character with bad one-liners?

BOTTOM OF THE 9th SUBMISSION! Apparently the dastardly Saddam Hussein was finally captured in a big hole in the dirt. Images of the former Iraqi dictator show him sporting a beard that gives him an uncanny resemblance to Santa Claus. Parents, lock your chimneys this Christmas. C! out.