WrisTech

Wrist technology has come a long way since the early days of Egypt or China or Avon or whoever came up with the idea first. Digital watches, despite what Douglas Adams had to say on the topic, are still a pretty neat idea while their sundial counterparts are not. However, thanks to the miracles of modern science, fat people and hypochondriacs everywhere can finally combine two things that never belonged together in the first place to create a large chunk of plastic that not only tells you your blood pressure on command but also the date and time. This is especially helpful for particularly morbidly obese housewives and trailer trash across America who get worked up during American Gladiators reruns to the point of near-fatal heart failures. The only possibly neat application to this would be to watch it completely plummet from normal to nothing on ladies across America after I completely and totally steal their hearts with my amazing rollerboogie prowess.

Digi-Draw

All parents want their children to grow up with the magical dreams of being different and unique in their own special ways. As much as I hate to be the bearer of bad news, parents, unless your children have three nostrils and shoot lasers out of their chins, they're not special. I don't care how many puppets Nickelodeon makes to tell them otherwise, they're not. Fortunately, the fine people behind Digi-Draw are here to help stupid kids "make fantastic works of art" by turning them into "fucking filthy cheaters" with an old-fashioned technique known as "tracing". Tracing is like the answer sheet in the cover of the calculator of the art world. Sure, you can possibly get away with it, but if you get caught then you're boned nine ways to Sunday. Van Gogh never traced things, neither did Michelangelo, and unless everything about my childhood is a total fabrication, neither did Pappy from Pappyland. Also, the system claims to allow anyone to be able to draw like an artist, but most of today's "artists" derive their art by duct taping truck fenders to old Rolling Stones vinyls and calling it retro. Certainly you won't see them creating "art" by drawing misshapen people and animals that belong more in a Cathy comic than attached to a refrigerator door.

Oh, and for those not convinced...

...allow the terrors of MEATCHILD to help sway you. (C! is not responsible for any trauma or long-term illnesses caused by staring directly into MEATCHILD.)

Flowbee System

The flowbee system has been around for roughly the same amount of time as wrist technology, and since its early inception into American culture it has succeeded on every level at making respectable people everywhere look really really goofy. The system works by sucking your hair into your vacuum cleaner and trimming it off by using precision blades, which, last time I checked placed it somewhere in the realm of space age technology gone horribly horribly awry.

"Customer Wrote: We have been using our Flowbee for over ten years without a single problem. After ten years of cutting the hair of our entire household, including pets, I'm ready to replace mine (the blades are getting dull). It has saved us literally thousands of dollars in barber's charges and pet grooming fees. It's definitely one of the best buys we've ever made."

Okay, wow, unless your house has the consistency of mixed paper machete and egg crates, affording a decent haircut for your family every so often should be somewhere on your list of priorities. Certainly using the same utensils to cut your daughter's hair as the dog's hair should at least strike you as a bit trashy, but then again if you use a flowbee, odds are that you still rock out your totally boss acid wash jeans right along with your completely bitchin' Bart Simpson t-shirt. I mean, sure, you could use some sort of machine that I somehow imagine is Roman in design to cut your kids hair, but the money you save on haircuts will most likely be taxed in broken bones at school.

Koala Hug Massage with Magnet

First of all, I have no idea what in the blue hell these people were thinking when they named this. From what I can tell by looking at the picture, it contains roughly 0% Koala and the number of hugs it offers rivals that of a child molester at an old folk's home. Upon closer inspection, it appears to be some sort of showerhead with a stun gun apparatus placed in the area where water would ordinarily shoot out. First glances can often be deceiving, though, so closer inspection may reveal this tool to be something more than an elaborate showering assassination device.

"One in five Koala Hug Massager with Magnet relieves your aches and pains with the comfort of magnetic therapy."

I'm not liking the odds of buying one of these things if only one out of every five works.

"Magnetic therapy is a complementary way to enhance the relief of pain. The magnets create an environment in the body that helps speed up the natural healing process. Press and hold for 3 seconds on various reflexology points in your body after reviewing the total body chart. Different head attachments target all the parts of the body for a complete massage. "

New age scientists, doctors, and religions all have one factor tying them all together in that they're not, and the day you catch me running magnets over my head to chill out will be the day you see me flying over a cloud in a faerie-powered Model T Ford. There's a reason people never use words like "reflexology" seriously in sentences, this reason being that it makes everyone who says it automatically teeter dangerously close to the edge of mad scientist territory. Take for example the case of the Ultimate Warrior, a man who could do no wrong until one day he went on a tangent about his destructitude and confused reporters and wrestling fans alike. If the man ever had anything resembling a credible career in the art of violently shaking ropes and getting punched in the face, it went riding off into the sunset on a big white pony.

Thunder Stick

A cooking utensil named after the Native American term for "penis" (I guess) can never lead to good things, and lo and behold, it doesn't. The Thunder Stick apparently places all of your old kitchen utensils in a pile, climbs to the top of the cage, and then gives them the big elbow before snapping into a Slim Jim. Some of the many things this amazing tool makes are applesauce, peanut butter, and salad dressing, therefore making it the tool perfect for the consumer who wants to feel like less of a consumer by making his own inedible substances. There's a reason people stopped hunting and killing whatever animal wandered into musket range and gathering random berries that were probably poisonous. It's all thanks to a little invention called television. Thanks to television, we are all very much too busy being hypnotized by celebrities and J-Lo's mindbending ass-rays to be bothered with chasing down a bird. Now we pay people on giant empty plots of the Earth to stick some magical wheat seeds in the ground to create nutritious and delicious bread plants. The Thunderstick is a giant leap back for us as a species. People, DO NOT BUY THIS PRODUCT. Then again, it's pretty rhetorical to tell anyone reading this to not buy a product from an infomercial because buying something from your television set automatically disqualifies you from being able to know how to use the Internet. Happy shopping, folks.