5. Dracula
What better way to begin the listing of the most evil of evil doing evil doers than with the crown prince heavyweight undead champion of the world, Dracula. Dracula, over his 17-year video game career suffers more than his fair share of blows, yet triumphantly returns to raise an even bigger, much more bad ass mob of angry undead warriors after each encounter. With well over ten titles, the poor guy has suffered enough losses to make even Jason Voorhees jealous. You've got to give a bloodsucking bastard from beyond the grave his dues in these games, though. He has the power to revive virtually anything that has died, control over seemingly every animal in Europe, and the ability to change form at will. His tragic flaws are legion, however, and among them rank a clan of people with whips and his own rebellious offspring, but I suppose that's understandable. It's hard to win Dad of the Year when Indiana Jones' great great grandfather violently slaps you into the black abyss for 100 years whenever you poke your head up for a cigarette. Dracula would quite possibly have the upper hand in these situations if not for his giant, looming castle emerging to signal his return to this mortal coil we call home. You don't need to be on H&G TV to realize that a giant black structure in otherwise green surroundings is kind of out of place. Ah well, it's just one of the many downsides of being a dark master of hideous undoing, but hey, can you really slight a guy who hangs out with Death?
4. Gannon
"A long, long time ago the World was in an age of Chaos. In the middle of this chaos, in a little kingdom in the land of Hyrule, a legend was being banded down from generation to generation, the legend of the "Triforce": golden triangles possessing mystical powers.
One day, an evil army attacked this peaceful little kingdom and stole the Triforce of power. This army was led by Gannon, the powerful Prince of Darkness who sought to plunge the World into fear and darkness under his rule. Fearing his wicked rule, Zelda, the princess of this kingdom, split up the Triforce of Wisdom into eight fragments and hid them throughout the realm to save the last remaining Triforce from the clutches of the evil Gannon. At the same time, she commanded her most trustworthy nursemaid, Impa, to secretly escape into the land and go find a man with enough courage to destroy the evil Gannon. Upon hearing this, Gannon grew angry, imprisoned the princess, and sent out a party in search of Impa."
...and so the series that would change a generation of gaming as we know it begins, or has in the middle, or whatever. Above is an excerpt from the instruction booklet contained with the original Legend of Zelda, a game that eventually is found to take place somewhere in the middle of the Zelda timeline. Leave it to Nintendo to create the middle of the story on NES, the end of the story on SNES, and the beginning of the story on N64. Aside from sparking debate among geeks all over the Information Stuporhighway, these stories also introduce Gannon, one of the first villains in gaming history to actually have a method to his madness and success to a rather large degree. Gannon, originally king of a band of thieves, is one of a handful of villains to actually accomplish some of his goals, one of which turned an entire reality of happiness and hot women into Europe ala Dracula. Gannon not only does a damn impressive job of it as seen in Link to the Past, but he also keeps going on his quest for ultimate power. In short, thank Gannon for being one of the major driving forces behind the best adventure/action/RPG games ever. (not withstanding the really stupid Zelda games)
3. Dr. Wily
Of all the evil geniuses to ever grace the 24-inch screen of my bedroom, Dr. Wily is hands down the most certifiably crimson fever insane of them all. Armed with only his wits, a monkeywrench, and a whole lotta hate, the Dr. is here to battle the no-good goody two shoes Dr. Light, and his prescription is pain! Actually, the man's very credentials as a doctor are questionable, as he is obviously quite psychotic and is very likely wearing the lab coat of someone he killed and ate. Debuting in the first Mega Man game and starring in virtually every game since, Dr. Wily has since made his presence felt by his sometimes incredible and sometimes incredibly stupid robotic designs and grand master plans for world domination. His schemes of world domination usually consist of building several robots that can't perform more than one basic function each and sending them to strange and exotic locations like volcanoes, under the ocean, and outer fucking space. Now unless I ended up in Bizarroworld where I am the crazy one, sending a robot to the moon to conquer the Earth seems a bit pointless, unless of course it is to gain the love and support of the moon rock people. Needless to say, Wily has never gained the support of the moon rock people or anyone else for that matter. So what makes Dr. Wily so evil, you ask? Persistence and a flying saucer. The poor old coot has been through over 100 robots in his lifetime, all of which meet the same grizzly fate of exploding into a swarm of lightning bugs and having their powers usurped by a robot in a blue rubber suit. As such I bring to you:
Dr. Wily's Greatest Hits!
Bubble Man - The power of the bubble has captivated man, child, and stupid dog alike since they were made non-toxic by the Cleaner Atmospheric Bubble Act of 1967. Because of this companies are no longer allowed to place lead in their bubble solution, which I suppose is a good thing since blowing a bubble made of lead would be really hard. Enter Bubble Man, a robot that breaks all the rules and boundaries while still remaining environmentally friendly meaning he didn't really break any rules at all, and I am just filibustering because there's nothing interesting about a robot that shoots bubbles. Weakness: Anything with mass
Tomahawk Man - Dr. Wily's first and only minority robot, Tomahawk Man stands as a proud member of his robot tribe and warrior chief. Tomahawk Man is especially rare, as in the future every robot created is Asian, mostly unisexual, and there are no Native American people still around. Actually, as far as I can tell Dr. Wily and Dr. Light are the only humans left on the planet. His amazing Indian power attacks consist of throwing a tomahawk and shooting feathers. Despite these incredible breakthroughs in war machine creation, Tomahawk Man's ultimate failure pretty much ensures no production of other robots based on racial robots, which is too bad because I think fighting Negro Man and Sombrero Man would be tons of fun. Weakness: Robot Blankets
Hard Man - 1990 was a bad year for phallic shaped robots, so Hard Man was designed to break the slump. Armed with the strength and virility of ten men, Hard Man has the ability to pleasure any woman time and time and dare I say it, time again. His best and only attack is his amazing ability to make players break down in a fit of early teenage giggles when they confront a giant mechanical penis with stubby legs and long arms. I really have no idea why Dr. Wily created this monster of science whose headbutt alone could send a woman into violent orgaspasms, but I hope for his sake that it was not as some form of compensation, if you follow my drift. For the sake of his own dignity I'll just assume his conception had something to do with the dangerous mix of genius, porn, and alcohol. Weakness: Bea Arthur
Dust Man - Dr. Wily shows his evil genius knows no boundaries as he creates a robot by stapling a vacuum cleaner to Bubble Man's head, giving it shoulder pads, and calling it a new masterpiece. I honestly have no idea how Dust Man is supposed to kill Mega Man or even how his giant dust bomb blasts even hurt, but apparently it is something too smart for my primitive undeveloped brain to comprehend. Personally, I would have at least used a blender or a toaster with a short that causes it to spark violently, but I suppose I am a rookie in the evil empire biz. Weakness: One of those clean air filter things they have on those infomercials at three AM.
Star Man - Star Man, a character that should have the supreme power of the universe at his beck and call, somehow fell short on the list of cool powers while being created by Wily. Does he get a cannon that shoots pure star energy at Mega Man? No. Does he even gain the blinding powers of light? Sorry Charlie. All Star Man has is a shield made of little spinning stars that he occasionally and slowly tosses at the hero while bouncing around the screen. I also firmly believe that Star Man was Wily's first attempt at creating a robot of the homosexual persuasion. I mean, c'mon. Star Man? Hellooo! That's just so silly. Weakness: Beer and wrestling
2. Shang Tsung
Very few villains in games ever accomplish their goals, but like every rule there must be an exception. Shang Tsung, the wizened old coot from the Mortal Kombat series, is this exception. Tsung, old and grey in the first game, reinvigorates himself and becomes young again somewhere along the way of the timeline. I really don't know how this happened because the Mortal Kombat games were really horrible after part two and are now good again with Deadly Alliance. It probably happened in two, but I am too lazy to look. I only assume that somewhere along the road of evil he made a deal or ate some souls or took some vitamins or became the only person to ever open that e-mail with the subject "feel years younger and show it", so just go with that. I assume Tsung did some more evil stuff that probably consisted of betraying more people, because he does that type of thing in every damn game as he is still around in Deadly Alliance. In the opening credits of this game he not only completely kills his boss Shao Kahn but also his longtime rival, Liu Kang. Yep, in one cinema scene Tsung has eaten the soul of his greatest enemy and eradicated a guy who accessorizes with skulls duct taped to his hips. Ordinarily villains attempt to do it in some manner that involves a trap and more planning than it is worth, but not Tsung. Happy with simply kicking Kang's ass and snapping his neck, Tsung finishes the job and goes on his merry way of doing whatever it is crazy people do. I guess it has something to do with raising the dead, since that is the entire point of it all.
"I will hunt them down. I will destroy them all! Destroy! Destroy! Destroy!"
"This is sickening! You sound like chapters from a self-help booklet! Prepare yourselves!"
"Ooh! They're warm to the touch!"
"Run run or you'll be well done!"
"I will destroy everything! I will create a monument to non-existence!"
"How 'bout a little magitek mayhem?"
"Son of a submariner!"
"I'm all-powerful! Hee, hee, haw! I'm collecting Espers! I'm extracting magic!"
"Hee, hee, hee !! But what fun is destruction if no 'precious' lives are lost!"
"Nothing can beat the music of hundreds of voices screaming in unison!"
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