10. It's ok to steal

Whether cars or potions, it's perfectly acceptable to take whatever doesn't belong to you by hook or more often than not by crook, because, well, you're stealing. In RPGs this often takes the form of rummaging through someone's cabinets, treasure chests, dressers, urns, and potted plants. If it isn't moving then it's fair game, and even if it is moving you can probably kill it and take whatever treasure it may be carrying. This always seems to be perfectly ok since none of the inhabitants of these homes ever call the police or politely ask you to stop. Maybe that 50 gold you took was the family's life savings and you doomed them to be flogged to death at the hands of angry medieval tax collectors. It doesn't really matter because you, the hero, just couldn't slay a couple of extra giant slugs to get the same cash from their spidery corpses. It's not like these people aren't trying to hide their possessions, either. The fact that they hide their money in with their linens should be a big clue to not take it. Basically you ransack their homes in a polite way that doesn't involve the destruction or the burning, and what good is ransacking if you don't get to destroy some stuff in the process?

9. Dodgeball Kills

!!!WARNING!!! Tale of my childhood enclosed

When I was in 5th grade we were forced to endure P.E. classes two or three times per week; we being all of the kids in 5th grade gathered together. Now our coaches, they were not exactly the most stable group of people on the planet. I do believe more pills circulated between that group of three than ever went through my graduating class. There was the woman who bore a striking resemblance to Ms. Mann from Scary Movie. She never really did anything to particularly earn my ire, but hey, I had to look at her atrocious mug daily. There was also another who I honestly don't remember, but the one shining star on the seas of assholery had to go to the middle-aged pretty boy wanna-be whose days of being pretty or boyish left him swinging in the days of disco. This character made it his mission in life to be as much of a bully as possible by involving himself in games to show that he was stronger and quicker than the average 10 year old. Enter dodge ball, or battle ball as it was called at our backwards school. One day I saw him standing near the middle of the line ready to hurl inflated death with a crazed look in his eye. ZING! Yep, I was the target. Thankfully I still had reflexes back then and was able to duck. It's a good thing too. The ball exploded upon impact with the wall as if it were an acidic spore launched from the back of an alien insect in some cheesy 1960's sci-fi movie.

Super Dodge Ball - a game that promotes and encourages behavior such as this. The NES classic taught me that dodge ball is a truly savage sport with its roots planted firmly in voodoo as the Gods of the game called on human sacrifices to quell their savage bloodlust. Upon the destruction of all that lies before your team’s ascent to the top, you are forced to fight the demonic representations of your own team in the most introspective battle ever. Is it a fight against an external force? Perhaps the voodoo Gods personified? A battle in your own heart in which you realize that the toughest opponent to overcome is yourself? The world will never know!

Dodge ball at its deadly finest

8. The mystery of life = up up down down left right left right b a start

If I'm ever in a pickle or finally accidentally blow myself up while attempting make a microwave that explodes on command, this handy code will resurrect me from the dead not once but thirty times. Scientists have spent years searching for ways to cure cancer and AIDS in fashion that doesn't create a legion of the undead in the process and have thus far come up several yards short of the touchdown. The very essence of God, right here, all in a simple pattern first learned by ancient Atlanteans. Up up down down left right left right B A start, a simple code or the rhythm of life? This code has not only changed the way I play games, but it has also made the impossible possible (Contra). Thank you, up up down down left right left right b a start. Thank you for your wisdom.

7. Ninjas are plentiful and wander around in broad daylight

Yes, forever lost is the ancient myth of ninjas being mysterious wanderers of the night that totally flip out and kill people. These days, ninjas are as commonplace as unemployed people in the computer industry. Who knows, maybe they're all one and the same. Ninjas in video games follow the same basic pattern of wandering around and occasionally chucking ninja stars at you and occasionally bumping into you with saying excuse me. It seems like the only qualification to being as such is the ability to to walk around in a painted KKK uniform. Ninjas also lack the invincibility that once came with the territory and in most cases can easily be destroyed by a simple punch or kick.

6. Bad dudes don't have to be bad

The President has been kidnapped, what to do!? Ordinarily the CIA or FBI or some other three-letter acronym could be called on to handle the case. However, this kidnapping has been perpetrated by a force far worse than a man backed by an army of suicide bombers. It is a force so powerful that our entire law enforcement network is rendered powerless. This force of which I speak - ninjas. These aren't your regular run of the mill ninjas that use stealth and cunning to kill. No, these are a million ninjas cloned from one man and occasionally given different colored clothing. What is a stressed agency to do? Why, call on some bad dudes, that's what! It's apparent to me that these particular bad dudes went to the Mr. T school of bad ass, as no other bad dude would rescue the president. No, the typical bad dude much prefers throwing bricks through windows. This game taught me to respect inner city gang members as charitable young lads. I now realize that crime is only committed to stop other crime, and the next time I'm mugged in a dark alley it's probably for a good cause like saving the innocent life of a government official. I guess criminals really do look out for criminals. Who knew...

Note the overlobed foreheads and colored wifebeaters: both signs of badness and dudeliness.

5. True power is gained by killing everything that moves and some things that don't

Yup, that's right. Hard work and determination, not to mention milk, all pale in comparison to a good murder. The more you kill the stronger you are, because God has no place in this world for pussies. Centipedes, imps, elves, demons, random wildlife, gentle breezes on a warm summers eve, they're all victims in your mad quest to have the largest arms in the world, brother. Never again will another well-balanced diet cross these lips of mine. Not when I have the absorbed strength and experience of everyone who has dared oppose me in my rampage to the top.

4. The princess is always in another castle

Many people spend their entire lives searching for that special someone, that princess if you will. They watch their time tick by as they rush from one area to the next confronting dangers unparalleled to meet Ms. Right, only watching the seconds speed by as they feel the last grains of sand slip by. They climb the highest mountains for her. They jump the greatest of pitfalls for her. They even swim across oceans for her. Everyone wants to be a savior, a prince, a hero. As stage after stage creeps by, the feeling of getting closer goes stronger. Victory seems evident. Then they, like me, find out the princess is in another castle and decide to just settle for the midget in the mushroom hat. Ain't love grand?

Enter the hermaphroditic Toad, future wife/husband/lawn ornament of Mario.

3. The villian always has more than one form

This goes out as a warning to President Bush. You may think you've destroyed Saddam, but your troubles are just beginning. Fool, villains never die the first time you fight them. All you've done is forced him to revert to his larger, less human form. After that it's only a matter of time until he mutates into his God form and casts his ultimate spell which reduces all of our troops to one hit point. Of course at this point the party sent to fight him will be selected randomly, so you'll probably get your weakest militia in first, in this case I assume it will be a couple of British soldiers one of the guys who was captured. I mean, Jesus, seriously. This war didn't even last a couple of weeks yet still some of our retards managed to get captured. Getting captured in this war goes right up on the wall of shame with getting killed in Bosnia. Anyway, back on track. This particular motif has taught me one of the more valuable lessons of my life. Once I kill someone, I should always follow up by pounding said person in the head with a large rock until he either stops moving or starts glowing. If it turns out to be the latter then, well, I'm probably just fucked like that.

2. The fast food business is a deadly one

If you thought the hard part of making a cheeseburger was the simple tossing of meat onto a grill, you're sadly mistaken, chum. The fast food business is a deadly one full of peril unseen outside of the hot kitchen. Running eggs, demonic sausages; they're all dangers faced by short order chefs everywhere as they desperately attempt to fulfill your hunger. Armed with only a pepper shaker and their wits, these ant-sized humanoids run, scamper, and climb to make your burgers fall in place. Yeah, and you thought spit was the worst of your problems.

Nothing to read here. Continue lightly skimming this article.

1. Black people did not exist in the Middle Ages and do not exist in the future

Nevermind goblins and elves. Black people are the real mystery of this world. Where did they come from? What is their purpose here? Are they ambassadors or peace or hostile alien invaders from another dimension? Every RPG I can think of set in some sort of medieval setting seems to lack negros on every continent. I have explored entire worlds and have come across talking jellyfish in my quests, but did I bump into the first African American along the way? If you really need me to answer that question, my friend, I suggest you pay more attention to this. I have fought entire kingdoms in epic wars. Futuristic games also bear the same marking. Alien legacies have been laid to waste by flamethrowers and homing missiles, yet not a single black person has been there to offer assistance in my time of need. So what are black people, and what happens to them miles down the road of history? Allow me to place my conjecture into this soon to be heated debate. I believe black people aren't real. They're just made up by someone as part of a great conspiracy going back to the assassination of JFK, the Bermuda Triangle, and the existence of Wyoming. Then again, if there are no such things as black people, exactly who or what was that man who fixed my fridge? It is a mystery for the ages.