Day 1
Day 1 began with a trip to the video store to rent some of the latest crap on DVD. After weighing my complete lack of options for anything decent, I decided to rent the cult classic Invaders from Mars and an obscure title known as Knight Chills. This promises to be grand. Knight Chills went in first. I should have listened to the little voice in my head that was kidney punching my brain and telling me that this movie would be lame due to the cover art on the DVD case. Pictured on it is a knight with several roleplaying guides in his clutches. The movie follows the story of a gaming geek and his quest to lay out this girl in his equally geeky gaming group. In all actuality the majority of the movie is watching people sit around and roll die in a smoky basement. One of the extra features on the disc is a tour of "The Dungeon". This is just an excuse for one of the co-writers of this movie to slowly pan the same home camera that was used to shoot the movie over his extensive collection of toys, books, and awards, all the while mumbling incoherently about his persecution as a D&D player back in the 80’s. The guy doesn't really have any room to complain. When you look back on it all, the 80's kind of persecutes itself. The man is clearly not a dork at all. Oh, did I mention he painted his basement to look like cave? Not a dork, indeed. It's a good thing Invaders from Mars relieved me of my hatred with its kick ass formula of the cheesy sci-fi that I love so dearly. If not for this movie I'd have probably jammed my pen into my throat about two hours ago.
Day 2
Slight sleep deprivation is beginning to kick in, but that's ok. This experiment in my own stupidity must continue! Jacko, the touching tale of a warlock seeking revenge on those who killed him via a pumpkin-headed demon, was the first film rocking my VCR today. This movie mostly revolves around a demon drunkenly stumbling around while completely ignoring perfectly good victims. This movie caused me pain and lots of it. Have you ever felt several blood vessels in your brain simultaneously rupture? I have.
Day 3
Jesus "Bubba" Christ I need to start going to bed at nights instead of doing this. A blend of school, work, and this crap pretty much makes sleep an option. Too bad it's not an option given to me. The only thing I really remember tonight is putting in Witchcraft IX. I never knew there was Witchcraft I, much less II through whatever. Then again I am not a master of fine cinema such as this. I spent most of the movie drifting in and out of consciousness, but whenever I opened my eyes a hooker was getting fucked. I remember the end of the movie showing her pimp trying to summon a voodoo God. For the love of all that is pure would someone drive a stake through my heart to end this self-inflicted vampirism of my good taste?
Day 4
Today I figured I'd stray away from some of the lesser-known franchises of the horror world and go with a lesser-known movie from a moderately popular franchise. Wishmaster 3 was the only movie in my VCR today. These people are really hurting for a way to kill this djinn. The way he was killed in the first film was somewhat creative. I can't knock them for trying. The second film was a disappointment at best. This one, however, involved the lead character summoning the angel Michael and a big sword to fight the enemy. On a happier note, I'm on a first name basis with most of the people at one of the local video stores. I call them by their first names and they call me "that horror movie weirdo". Great, now I'm being ragged on by a mad scientist's failed experiments in creating the ultimate geeks.
Day 5
Tonight I dragged my friend Andrea to see The Ring with me, because nothing says "true blue friend" like suffering through two hours of a horror movie. I don't really think The Ring was that bad of a movie, but I really wasn't expecting much. I'm kind of iffy on any movie that pretty much says you'll die if you watch it. Then again if taglines to movies had any basis in reality, Wishmaster 3's tagline would be something neat like "you'll wish you never watched this!" Our options for movies were either this or Sweet Home Alabama, another horror movie where you can watch the careers of several people instantly die. This movie was not scary no matter what my terrified amiga says about it. Oh well. After all of the movies I've seen recently, Satan himself could jump out of my oven and I'd just blink a couple of times and find something less evil to eat.
Day 6
Back to the video store to rent this week's bumper crop of crap. Speaking of bumper crops, Children of the Corn Revelation was the first movie in tonight. For those of you unfamiliar with these films, this movie is a landmark in the series as its number is no longer comprehensible to the human brain. The story of this film follows a woman as she searches for her missing grandmother who was apparently living in a run-down hovel with lots of creepy kids. The things I hated most about this romp into retardation were the bleeding produce and the hot, buttery, cornstalky, near-tentacle rape scenes.
Day 7
Today's movies are really just a continuation of Day 6's. However, these two went in after midnight as the second half of a movie binge that lasted about 8 hours. Sweet Mufasa this needs to end. I almost tossed my VCR out of the window to end this hellish torment. Slumber Party Massacre 2 found its way into my VCR which is now wearing a big piece of tape with "GOD DAMN FUCKING PIECE OF AGONIZING SHIT" across it. I think I rented this movie because it looked to be chock full of ugly 80's tits. Wrong. The movie spent the first 90% of itself having a crazy chick wander around hallucinating. Then the final ejaculation of stupidity came in the form of the killer, a guy with greasy hair and a huge drill on an electric guitar. Right now Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is going on. Now this is a classy movie. It has everything you could possibly want in great horror. It has nudity, elaborately bad death scenes, and naked chicks fighting with chainsaws at the end. The story is about an ancient Egyptian cult in East L.A. that makes human sacrifices to appease the ancient Egyptian chainsaw Gods. No, the Egyptians never had chainsaws, but Anubis and the rest of the Gods did. At least that’s what the movie says. I’d have sworn I dreamed all of this up if I were alone while watching it. They should make more movies like this. |
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Day 8
Ghost Town. I know there are probably a few billion movies involving the living dead in the desert, but this one is the king. Then again it may as well be king of a giant vacant parking lot, because it's only king because there aren't any other competitors. Zombie outlaw cowboys; I guess horror movies back in the 80's were made by tossing various words into a hat and removing two at random.
Day 9
Today I went to the video store to rent the final round of videos for this failed experiment in human stupidity gone terribly awry. The average porn addict usually rents one movie of a pornographic nature and tries to mask it in a pile of G to PG-13 rated films. While perusing the horror aisle I stumbled across Gone Fishin', a "comedy" featuring Danny Glover and Joe Pesci, lying beside Night of the Living Dead 3. I suppose someone mistook the "horror" section for the "horrible" section. My experiment was a complete success. I may as well have bonked the video guy over the head with a giant rubber mallet, as I got the best double take I've ever seen from a living human being.
Day 10
Tonight I decided to pop in Jack Frost. No, not the family movie, although I am sure that a giant snowbeast spreading abominable cheer could put more chills on my spine (Pun Alert: You just read a pun!) than the one I saw. This movie is about a serial killer that has an accident while on the way to his execution. This accident turns him into a killer snowman. I could think of better superpowers than being cold and wet, but ah well. Such is life. This movie managed to spawn another movie, aptly named Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman. In this installment of the series, Frost is back...on a tropical island...with baby snowball monsters. I should also mention that I am visiting my parents while watching these two films. They're wondering why I'm curled up in the fetal position on the couch weeping. If they only knew...
Day 11
Earlier I plopped down to watch the Tales from the Crypt movies. I've seen them before, so I decided to go ahead and get the pain of Bordello of Blood over and done with. Vampires, prostitution, blood, gore, Dennis Miller's jokes, twist ending, blah blah blah. I want my money back. Demon Knight, yay! This is probably one of my favorite movies of all time. This is one of the few horror movies that I think is actually deserving of a sequel. No, Bordello of Blood does not count as a sequel even though it does have the same key from Demon Knight. I'm hoping that the studio was just running low on money at this point and had to reuse some of the props from Demon Knight. No matter what the case may be, Demon Knight is a must have for every collection. It has everything you could ask for in a good horror movie from gore to humor, from a kick ass story to a cast of good actors. Buy it today!
Day 12
Finally, I get to be the villain. I can finally be the monster that terrorizes the dreams of small children. I get to be the beast with glowing eyes lurking in every kid's closet. Tonight I was a zombie in a fake haunted house. I guess you could call it a zombie anyway. I never bought a costume for it and headed over to Wal-Mart to buy some make-up. Well, it being a couple of days before Halloween means that there isn't much Halloween stuff left, as it has all been replaced by Christmas decorations. Now this is great if you ever want to scare kids by pretending your hands are made of Christmas stocking, but believe me when I say it doesn't work too well. My friend Philip and I finally had to settle on some kit to make you look frozen and a tube of fake blood. After applying enough blue paint to cover my face and every drop of the blood to it as well, the end result wasn't half bad. Adding a balloon to my back and walking like I injected my leg with Novocain provided enough of a spook factor to make many many children scream and/or cry. What I always find most amusing about these things is that parents will take their children through something in which people are constantly leaping out at you dressed as God knows what. Then they'll take their kids home and tell them there's no such thing as monsters. After getting home I watched Resident Evil, the movie based on the hit game series in every way except not at all.
Day 13
Well, this is it. It's the final day. I decided to watch The Exorcist since it's been dubbed "Scariest Movie Ever OMG TOTALLY" by pussies everywhere. I'm not saying it's the worst horror movie of all time. No, that award would be won in a Royal Rumble style battle with competitors such as almost everything I've watched during this. The Exorcist, however, would have been much better if it had gotten to the point quicker. Wishmaster: The Prophecy Fulfilled also made its way straight to DVD recently, so I gave it a whirl. The movie's not that great, but it's definitely one of the better movies in the series. The DVD also has a couple of extra features like a guide to dating as presented by the Wishmaster. Not too shabby at all.
Final Analysis:
I called this piece "13 Days of Hell" when I first came up with it. I never really knew how accurate the name would be until the end. Forsaking almost every semblance of a real life to do something as absurd is this is something I would not advise. The world of horror is a very vast one that is full of many testimonies to just how insane the human mind can be. Evil refrigerators, killer angels, Egyptian chainsaw cults - they're all small parts of our heritage. Rather than let these small pieces of Americana rot and decay like my brain, we should all take pride in knowing that a man with a dream of making a movie about evil clowns from space can accomplish this dream, for we are all Americans and it is our patriotic duty! Now I’m off to scrub my brain with a toilet brush in hopes of cleansing it of the filth clogging it. Happy Halloween, and goodnight!
Grand Total of Movies Watched: 45
Number of movies enjoyed: 6
Estimated amount of time watching movies: 71 hours and 15 minutes
What's left of my cerebrum: Priceless |
